


Cinnamon and Sand

by Raicheru



Series: Cinnamon and Sapphire [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Adventure, Anal Sex, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Past Torture/Non-con, Intimacy, M/M, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-01-29 23:38:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 27,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12641643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raicheru/pseuds/Raicheru
Summary: Sequel to Sapphire and Sunshine. Months after Naruto returns home from Suna, he's still struggling to cope with what happened. But he's willing to try for Gaara as they try to figure out how their growing relationship will work. But when Gaara is the one who needs his help, nothing else matters except supporting the one person who understands him the most.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on FF.net March 2014. Recently updated as a cross-post with plans to finish (hopefully.)
> 
> This is the sequel to Sapphire and Sunshine. You don’t have to read that one first, it‘s completely up to you. But there are a lot of references to the first story in this one and this one will probably make more sense if you do.
> 
> There's cannon divergence here. I started writing this before I saw the second Chunin Exam arc in the anime. There will probably some similarities but this wasn't intended as a re-write of that particular story.

My name is Naruto Uzumaki and I am going to be Hokage. Most people used to laugh when they heard me say that. It seemed so ridiculous to them. I’d been nothing but a reminder of what Kyuubi had done to the village and I think they were afraid that I‘d do the same thing if I ever got angry enough. Mostly they considered me a nuisance and I was just barely tolerated so I spent most of my life alone. I got a little desperate for attention and bad attention was better than none at all. I think I knew that even when I was little, at least on some level. But I wanted someone to acknowledge that I was there, that I was worth something. At the very least, I wanted to know that I was allowed to exist. But nobody ever told me what I wanted or needed to hear so I had to believe in myself because nobody else would. 

It took years for anything to really change. But now the village was finally starting to believe in me in ways they never had before. Of course, most of them still didn’t really take me completely seriously, but I couldn’t really blame them. What had started out as a desperate attempt to get attention had turned into an honest love of pranks and humor in general. The world was way too serious most of the time. The only drawback to my behavior is that people tend to think I’m an idiot. My grades hadn’t been all that great and my attention wandered too easily. But that was because long, boring explanations about techniques and chakra theory usually put me to sleep. That didn’t mean I was stupid.

Of course, that was really hard to prove when Tsunade wouldn’t give me any damned missions. Or at least not any good ones. It was all D and C rank stuff that I used to handle when I was still a kid. Half of the time I didn’t even get to leave the village which was ridiculous. How was I supposed to learn when I never got a chance to do anything? When I went to Tsunade’s office the other day to complain, she yelled and tried to kick me out. I think she was about to literally kick me out the window and I was preparing myself to make it really hard for her. But Kakashi Sensei came in and snagged the back of my jacket so he could drag me out the door before she got the chance. 

He and Tsunade kept giving me stupid reasons why they weren’t letting me go anywhere or do anything. I wasn’t an invalid and I didn’t need to be babied. Ever since I’d come home from Suna, everybody was treating me like I was fragile and I hated it. Right now Kakashi was off doing something with Yamato Taichou, Sakura was training at the hospital, and Sai was doing. . .something. It seemed like everybody was on a mission. So I was left alone. As usual. I usually spent the time training because it was better than sitting around doing nothing. Doing nothing led to thinking and thinking led to thoughts I didn’t really want to think about. So I tried to keep myself busy as much as possible.

Training by myself hadn’t been so bad at first but it was getting harder and harder to keep going on my own. Shadow clones were only so useful. Sparring was always so much better with an opponent that wasn’t yourself but everybody was busy with missions. I dodged as one of my clones leapt in my direction and tried to land a hit. The move was easy to read and it was simple to shift out of the way. I knew all my own moves so I just ended up fighting myself to a standstill. I wasn’t allowed to work on any jutsu that was actually a challenge by myself because Kyuubi might come out. Yamato Taichou needed to be there to keep that from happening. It irritated me but it really was too risky and I knew better than to work on that kind of stuff on my own. Like I said, I’m not stupid. But that didn’t make it any less frustrating.

With a growl of aggravation, I kicked the clone in front of me, making it disappear in a small puff of smoke. I was done with this. Raising my hands, I released the Jutsu to get rid of the other twenty duplicates I’d created. The transition made me twitch a little but I shook it off and tried to figure out what to do next. The sun was high now and it was starting to get warm so I unzipped my jacket to cool off a little. As I tugged the fabric open, my fingers brushed against one of the necklaces I wore and I let out a long sigh. 

I missed Gaara so much. 

It had been almost four months since I’d seen him. Just when we started to figure out how we really felt about each other, I had to leave Suna and go home. But not before Gaara had given me a pendant made of a special chakra stone that was attuned to him. If he raised his chakra, it glowed and I could feel his touch. Closing my fingers around the smooth, round stone, I sighed again. Gaara wore one just like it that was attuned to me. Unfortunately, the distance from here to Suna was a little too far away for them to work. When we’d tested the range on my trip home, I stopped getting a response about the time I’d crossed over into Fire Country. It was a little disappointing that we couldn’t reach out unless we were close but the necklace still meant a lot to me.

I really wished I could see him. Just for a little bit. He was the only person in my life who’d ever actually. . .wanted me. But we hadn’t really had a chance to figure out what to do about it yet. We both had responsibilities that kept us away from each other most of the time. It wasn’t fair. Even though I knew he wouldn’t be able to feel it, I reached out and raised my chakra. The stone in my hand started to get warm and I nearly jumped. I felt my eyes widen as I tried to calm down. It had to be my imagination. Gaara was in Suna. It was way too far away for the stone to work, but the red glow bathed me in the warmth of his chakra and made my breath catch. 

“No way,” I breathed quietly, trying to keep the hope welling up my chest from overwhelming me. “Is he coming to Konoha?” 

“Actually, I arrived late this morning.” 

I whirled around to see Gaara standing in the shade of a nearby tree. My heart sped up a little. Part of me was afraid that he was just an illusion, that he’d disappear the moment I touched him. But the rest of me wasn’t listening as I immediately ran over and jumped on him. I wrapped my arms around his neck, my legs around his waist, and showered his face with kisses. He seemed a little startled at first but he didn’t move away. Instead, he locked his arms around my back as I kissed his lips really hard. 

“I missed you so much,” I murmured breathlessly when I finally let him up for air. I couldn’t believe he was actually here in Konoha. There was a warmth building up inside me just from being this close to him. But there was something nagging at the back of my mind that seemed to be missing. I pulled back a little and blinked a few times when I realized what it was. I’d just thrown myself bodily at Gaara and met no resistance at all. Ordinarily, his sand would rise up to immediately to block any incoming attacks. But his gourd was propped up against the tree and there was no sand in sight.

“Is something wrong?” he asked me as he tilted his head curiously.

“Uh, no. Just. . .no sand. I should have hit a wall or something, right?”

His lips twitched up at the corners. Seeing Gaara smile was the best thing in the world even if it was just a little quirk of his mouth. He tightened his arms around me. “My defense responds to threats. You are merely. . .enthusiastic.” His expression softened as his fingers flexed against my lower back. “I don‘t think it will ever rise against you.” His voice lowered a little bit and sounded kind of shy. “It’s never done that for anyone else.”

I almost wondered why but I guess it was pretty obvious. Gaara had spent most of his life never letting anyone close to him. I was probably the first one who’d ever really touched him in any way. Unhooking my legs, I slowly lowered myself and slid down the front of his body. His breath got a little shallow before he squeezed me tight and leaned forward to press his face into my neck. The scent of cinnamon and sand washed over me and I inhaled deeply. It settled me in a way I hadn’t expected and the agitation I’d been feeling lately gradually faded away. 

“I’ve missed you too.” Gaara’s words were muffled against the collar of my jacket. He sighed heavily but didn’t let go. “But I’ve got a meeting I‘m supposed to be attending right now.”

I tried to push down my disappointment but it was really hard. I was so happy to see him and now he had to leave again. “How long will it take?”

“I’ll be busy all afternoon.” He pulled back enough to look me in the eye and his expression was a little sheepish. “But I had to see you first.”

I bit my lip and felt myself flush a little. He was the leader of a village with tons of stuff he had to do but he was taking the time to come see me even though he had somewhere else to be. “Will you have any free time while you’re here?” With my luck, I’d get a huge mission that would take me out of the village so it wouldn‘t even matter. 

The corners of his mouth turned up in another small smile. “I’ll be here for three days for various meetings and consultations. But all of my evenings are my own.”

Three days. I immediately wished it was more but it was definitely better than nothing. “We’ll have to make the best of it then.” I smiled back and kissed him again. He tensed a little in my arms and I almost pulled back but a sudden rustle in the tree above us made me look up sharply. Sai was sitting on one of the lower branches watching us with a puzzled expression on his face. 

“Maybe you really are a girl after all, Naruto,” he said.

“You. . .!” My muscles bunched as I prepared to leap up and knock him on his ass but Gaara’s fingers gripped the back of my jacket and held me still.

“So easily provoked,” Sai murmured to me before bowing his head slightly at Gaara. “Good afternoon, Kazekage-sama.”

Gaara nodded in return. “Sai.” He was calm and relaxed again and I wondered if he’d noticed we had company before I did. I had thought he was getting uncomfortable but maybe he was just shy.

“Kankuro was looking for you,” Sai continued. “He said the meeting was about to start.” 

I felt another flush of warmth. Not only had Gaara put off a meeting to come see me, he’d snuck away from his brother to do it. 

“Thank you,” Gaara told him. “Please tell him I will be there shortly.” Gaara had always been really polite, even when he’d been younger and much scarier. But it fit him more now. He always seemed calm and composed even when he was under a lot of stress. In a way, I was actually a little envious that he could pull that off. Whenever I was under pressure, I tended to get loud and mouthy which didn’t do much except piss other people off.

Sai nodded again before leaping off the branch and heading into the village. But he didn’t bother to apologize for being a jerk. 

“If he makes one more crack about me being a girl, I swear. . .” I let the threat hang in the air. 

“He’s struggling to find a way to connect with the people around him,” Gaara said absently as he watched him go. “It may not be completely successful, but he’s trying.” 

I opened my mouth to say something but closed it again. I’d never really thought of it that way. Sai had always been strange and I’d hated him when we first met. Things had definitely gotten better between us since then, but every once in a while he’d do something that would piss me off all over again. His favorite way seemed to be questioning my masculinity. It was strange to think of it as him trying to connect to me. 

“Does he even realize that he’s being a total ass when he does that?”

“Possibly. I believe he’s trying to gauge your reaction to what he says. He may not always be trying for a positive one.” Gaara hugged me again before letting go. “I need to go, but I will see you later this evening.” 

“It’s a date then.” I grinned kind of stupidly but I couldn’t help it. My irritation with Sai was already mostly forgotten. I was going on a date with Gaara. “I’ll treat you to Ichiraku.”

Gaara seemed amused but not surprised. Of course, nobody who knew me would be. What can I say? I love ramen. We walked back into the village together but we didn’t really say anything. There so many questions that could have been asked and things we could have discussed. But I don’t think either of us wanted to get into anything without being able to finish right now. For me, I was just happy he was here. And I really, really wanted to hold his hand. But this whole thing between us was still really new and I wasn’t sure if it would be okay or not. Throwing myself at him and kissing him senseless when we were alone was one thing. Hanging onto him like some lovesick girl with a crush was another.

Up ahead, I could see Kankuro waiting outside the Hokage Tower with Temari. Sai stood off to one side watching them curiously. Gaara’s siblings seemed agitated and they both glared at us when we showed up, but their expressions shifted more towards mild amusement when they saw me. I knew they weren‘t really mad or anything. They were just a little uptight about their jobs. I think both of them needed to relax a little bit. 

Kankuro let out the breath he seemed to have been holding. “I’d ask where you’ve been but I guess I don’t have to.” His expression softened under the face paint as he looked at me. “How have you been, Naruto?” 

“Um,” The question caught me a little off guard. He sounded strangely sincere, like he really wanted to know and I still wasn‘t really used to that. “I’m fine,” I said automatically. But I wasn’t really fine. Not by a long-shot. There was always way too much time for me to think these days and way too many things to think about. But it wasn’t something I was going to talk about. Not here. Not now.

“We’re going to be late if we don’t get going,” Temari said. She didn’t sound angry or anything but she was still pretty insistent. 

Gaara‘s shoulder brushed mine as he passed. “I will see you later this evening.”

“Okay.” I felt that foolish grin on my face again and the worries that had started to grow with Kankuro’s question faded into the background again. “Later.” I watched them go inside and wondered what I was going to do with myself for the rest of the afternoon. I was so happy that Gaara was here and I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to concentrate on anything. 

“I was watching you train earlier, Naruto,” Sai said. He was sitting on the short wall that ran around the tower and he was watching me closely. “It wasn‘t all that impressive.” 

His eyes were mostly closed and he had that weird fake smile on his face again. Like he was laughing at some secret joke that I didn’t get. I bristled immediately and my lip curled thinking that he was trying to insult me. But I remembered what Gaara had said and forced myself to relax. 

“You think you can do any better?” I asked him as I crossed my arms.

“Oh, most certainly,” Sai said, his faint smile never wavering. “Perhaps I could give you a few pointers.”

I really couldn’t tell if he was trying to piss me off or if he really wanted to help. Honestly, I hadn’t really been able to get into the training alone earlier so I hadn’t been at my best. And I’d been complaining to myself that I had nobody to train with. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to get something done. I’d always been curious about what Sai could do. 

“Only if you can keep up.” With a smirk, I took off for the training grounds. I didn’t even need to see Sai to know that he was keeping pace with me through the trees. This could be interesting.

. . . . . . . .

A few hours later I was covered in bruises and ink, but the training had actually been pretty good despite the handful of insulting remarks Sai had thrown my way. I hadn’t really fought him seriously since the first day we met when he attacked me. It turned out he was pretty good and I’d never seen anyone use the kind of techniques that he did. It had been challenging in a way I hadn’t expected and I felt that good, achy-tired that came from actual progress. But I was pretty dirty and I really needed a shower before dinner with Gaara. 

As I turned the key in the lock on my door and went inside, I realized that I should probably clean up my apartment too if he was going to visit. It was kind of a mess right now. It wasn’t completely filthy or anything but there were clothes on the floor, scrolls and books piled haphazardly on every surface, and some empty ramen cups in the kitchen that needed to be thrown away.

But the shower came first. Stripping out of my clothes, I rinsed most of the ink out of the fabric in the tub before dropping the whole mess in the bathroom sink to deal with later. Then I stepped under the hot spray to wash myself. I was worried that I’d be covered in black smudges for the next week but it seemed to be coming off pretty easily. When I finished, I wrapped a towel around my waist and went out into the kitchen to make a cup of noodles. We were going to Ichiraku later but I was starving now and I needed a snack. I was hungry enough that I’d definitely still have room for the good stuff. 

But when I plugged in the electric teapot to heat up the water, the lights flickered with a power surge that made the wall socket spark. The current traveled up my right arm and down my left to where my hand was resting on the sink. My heart skipped a beat and my breath caught painfully in my throat. One of the kitchen chairs clattered to the floor as I stumbled back. When I finally hit the wall, I slid down to sit on the floor as my whole body shook while I fought just to breathe. I couldn’t see the apartment anymore. The shock had thrown me back into a memory that I’d been struggling to forget.

The sound of a thousand birds was roaring in my head and it was dark except for the flickering light of Chidori. I would have screamed but I couldn’t draw the breath to make a sound. The sharp, vibrating pain tore at my body and left me twitching in the aftermath. I couldn’t get away from it. It was always there. It felt like a part of me would always be in that room being torn apart and put back together over and over. I thought I heard a knocking sound somewhere in the background, and maybe someone calling my name but I wasn’t sure. I tried to respond but all that came out was a pathetic whimper.

And then Gaara was there.

“Naruto,” he murmured as he placed his hands gently on my shoulders. “Are you alright?”

I looked up at him with wide eyes. Everything was so much harder now than it had been before but I hadn’t really talked about it with anyone. Nobody knew what had happened to me all those months ago and it was going to stay that way as long as I could manage. I know that other people had noticed that things weren’t quite right with me but when they asked, I always told them that I was fine. But looking into Gaara’s eyes, I knew I couldn’t lie to him.

“No.” I swallowed hard. “No, I’m not alright.” I sniffed as my eyes started to burn. “But I don’t know what to do about it.” The pain and the memory were already starting to fade, leaving nothing but emotion in their wake. 

Sitting down next to me on the floor, Gaara took my hand and carefully uncurled my fingers of my right hand where they’d clenched into a tight fist. He used a healing jutsu on the electrical burn that I hadn’t even noticed. I felt the warm wash of his chakra and finally started to relax a little bit. I hadn’t realized how tight and locked my muscles had gotten until they started to let go. Now I felt a little foolish. My whole body was trembling from the adrenaline crash and I was trying really hard not to cry. 

Gaara put his arm around me and I leaned against him with my head on his shoulder. He didn’t say anything and I was grateful. He wasn’t trying to make to me talk about it and he wasn’t saying things just to make me feel better. He was just there. With very few exceptions, I’d never really had anyone to lean on like this. Iruka Sensei had been the first to let me create a bond and show me that not everyone hated me. Kakashi Sensei was a great mentor and he’d helped me train to be a better ninja. Yamato Taichou was honest with me and worked on helping control the power that tried to overwhelm me. Tsunade Baa-chan treated me like a person instead of weapon and she really believed in me. Sai and Sakura backed me up and supported me. 

But Gaara was the only one who really understood what I needed. 

He’d once apologized because he didn’t think he was very good at taking care of me. But that wasn’t true. He’d found me beaten and battered in the desert after the one person I’d cared about most had tried to destroy me. He’d given me space while I healed and then pushed me when I really needed it. I’m not sure I could have gotten through it without him. Sighing, I sank into him and he rested his cheek on my wet hair.

“You haven’t been sleeping,” he murmured. It wasn’t a question. I should have figured that he’d notice. 

“No, I haven’t.” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept a whole night through. My natural stamina helped keep the fatigue from being too overwhelming but it was always there now. I didn’t have nightmares every single night but when I did, they were bad. The rest of the time, it was just hard to lay there in the dark all alone. I tried to take my mind off it with training and work but the lack of missions was frustrating. It was like nobody thought I could handle myself anymore. I wasn’t even allowed to try.

Gaara pressed a gentle kiss to my hair and stroked his fingers attentively down my arm before helping me to my feet. He led me into the bedroom and sat me down on the bed where he finished toweling my body dry and dressed me in a clean pair of boxers. I closed my eyes and focused on the feeling of his fingers rubbing through the towel as he dried my hair. There was a strange sense of intimacy even though it was such a simple thing. When I’d first seen Gaara earlier this afternoon, I’d immediately wanted him in bed. That was part of what I’d missed and there were nights lying alone in my room that I tried to imagine and remember what it felt like. I wanted to touch and be touched. But right now I just wanted to be close, to make that emotional connection that was so much more important than any physical sensation. 

Tugging on his jacket, I pulled him closer so he was standing between my knees where I sat on the edge of the bed. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held on tight.

“Just stay with me,” I whispered.

Gaara smoothed a few damp strands of hair off my forehead and settled down on the bed with me without saying a word. It was much smaller than his but that just meant we were closer. I wrapped myself around him and rested my head on his shoulder. He’d stripped out of his coat and pants so I felt the heat of his bare skin against my own. His hand was rubbing gentle circles on my back and I found myself relaxing more than I had in a long time. It got harder to keep my eyes open and they slipped closed before I realized it.

. . . . . . .

I woke to the smell of food cooking which made me pry my eyes open. I was alone in my room but I could hear someone moving around in the apartment. Dragging myself out of bed, I pulled on a shirt and padded down the hall to see Gaara in my kitchen cooking eggs. The sight seemed so utterly strange that I nearly pinched myself. My brow furrowed as I stared at the pan. The eggs smelled fantastic but I hadn‘t bought any recently.

“Um. . .if those are from my fridge, we probably shouldn’t eat them,” I said uncertainly.

“Good morning.” Gaara turned from what he was doing and looked at me for a moment. Seemingly satisfied with what he saw, he went back to the stove. “Don’t worry, these are fresh. They’re from you neighbor downstairs.”

My brows rose and nearly disappeared up into my hair. “My neighbor?” I wasn’t sure why he would give me anything. Usually the people who lived in my building yelled at me to keep it down when I trained in my room late at night.

“He said he wanted to thank you for helping his niece.”

I raised a brow and wracked my brain to figure out who he was talking about. But I just couldn’t remember. I helped a lot of people whenever I could but nothing specific came to mind. 

“I don’t remember. . .”

“He said the next time she sends him cookies, he promised to save you some,” Gaara said with a small smile.

When it hit me, my eyes widened. “Oh, yeah. There was this group of bandits that was raiding a town up in the northwest. Me and my team flushed them out.” That had been a while ago. It hadn’t been a very challenging mission but it made the townspeople really happy and kept anybody from getting hurt. And those cookies had been really good. I’d have to thank my neighbor when I got the chance even if I wasn’t quite sure how to do it without feeling stupid. 

“He also said he’ll fix your lock today.”

“My lock? What’s wrong with it?” 

I backtracked to the hallway and craned my neck around the doorframe to take a look at the front door. There was a hole where the doorknob used to be. The knob itself lay on the floor next to the twisted latch plate and the whole frame had been sealed shut with a layer of sand to keep it closed. 

“What the. . .did you break in last night?” I didn’t really remember Gaara coming into my apartment last night. He’d just kind of been there when I needed him. 

“I heard you outside and you sounded. . .distressed,” he said carefully. “So I let myself in.” Gaara returned my baffled gaze with a calm look. “Had I thought you were in danger, I would have kicked it down completely.” He held my eyes long enough to let me know he really meant it before turning back to the stove again. There was a warm feeling that settled in my chest which was nice but at the same time it made me a little flustered. 

“Thanks,” I mumbled. I sat at the kitchen table as Gaara set a plate of eggs and fruit and a glass of milk down in front of me. There was a lump forming in my throat. I don’t think that anyone had ever actually cooked for me before when it wasn’t in a restaurant. Gaara sat across from me with his own plate. He was already dressed for the day which reminded me that he wasn‘t here just for a visit. 

“So, do you have a bunch of meetings and stuff today too?” I asked in a lame attempt to redirect my thoughts and avoid talking about last night.

“Yes. We’re discussing the location of the Chunin Exams. I’m hoping that we can hold them in Suna this year.”

The Chunin Exams. That’s when I first met Gaara. It was also when everything changed but not in the way I’d expected. I still hadn’t taken the exams myself yet so I was technically a Genin. The thought made me frown into my eggs. 

“Is something wrong?” 

I looked up to see Gaara giving me a mildly worried look. 

“Ah, no.” I didn’t want him to think that the exams shouldn’t be held in his village. It was my own issues I was having a problem with. “I think that’s a really cool idea. Do you guys have a creepy forest filled with giant snakes too?”

His lips twitched in that small smile again. “No. But we have a challenging area that is comparable.” 

I wondered briefly what it was like but that wasn’t really what I wanted to know. Huffing an irritable breath, I put my fork down. “Did they make you Chunin right after we took the exam?”

Gaara took a moment before he answered. “Not immediately, no. My progression as a shinobi has not exactly been standard.” He didn’t sound angry but I could tell he wasn’t really happy about it. “There was a lot of recovery and restructuring after what happened. I spent four months in the regular ranks without my siblings as a Genin before the council promoted me directly to Jonin. And then I was made Kazekage a couple of months before the Akatsuki came to Suna.” Shaking his head as if shaking off a memory, he looked at me again. “Why do you ask?” 

“I’m the only one in my class who’s still a Genin.” It came out as a whine but I couldn’t quite help it. The whole thing really bothered me and I don’t think I’d realized just how much until that moment. “I think I’m way past that point now but I don’t even have team to take the exams again.”

“Would you like me to speak with Tsunade?”

I immediately shook my head. “No. This is something that I need to do on my own.” 

It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate his help. I loved that he was thinking about me and I knew he really would do it. But I couldn’t let Gaara fight my battles. That would almost be worse than not getting what I wanted at all. Even as I had that thought, I was reminded about last night. How would I have handled that if he hadn’t shown up when he did? I hadn’t really been hurt that badly, physically speaking, and the wound was already healed. The emotions had also faded until they were just an uncomfortable memory. But they were still there in the back of my mind and the thought of remembering them completely made me a little nervous. 

Gaara reached across the table and took my hand. I gripped his fingers and took a deep breath as I let the connection ground me again. I’d figure it out. Somehow.


	2. Chapter 2

While Gaara went off to negotiate with Tsunade and the council, I scrubbed my apartment from top to bottom. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I’d done it so it was probably way overdue. I even took care of my plant that was starting to get a little wilty because I didn’t always remember to water it. Housecleaning wasn’t something that I enjoyed which was pretty obvious by how cluttered things had gotten. But now at least I wouldn’t be embarrassed to have Gaara over at my place anymore. 

The only thing that made me pause was the electric kettle sitting on the kitchen counter. Gaara hadn’t been able to have tea this morning because it had gotten zapped last night during the power surge. But that wasn’t all that was bothering me, and the memories were threatening to well up from where I‘d buried them. How was I going to cope? Would every little electric shock send me into a panic? What if Kakashi used Chidori during a fight? What would I do then? There were no answers to those questions that wouldn’t dredge up painful thoughts and memories and I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to deal with them. Yet. I’d have to. I knew I’d have to eventually. Jut not right now.

But it was just a kettle. I wasn’t going to let an inanimate object have that much control over me. Sighing, I emptied out the water and tossed the whole thing in the garbage. The plastic plug was a blackened and it was probably a lost cause but replacing it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. I felt the heft of my wallet where it sat in my pocket. I honestly didn’t spend much of my money so saving wasn’t hard. Sticking my hand into my pocket, I squeezed the leather frog purse and smiled. Gaara had given it to me when my last one self destructed. 

He was always giving me things which both flustered and pleased me at the same time. I wasn’t used to receiving gifts. I needed to do something for him but I wasn’t quite sure what yet. I’d have to do some thinking to come up with something. Taking one last look around, I was relatively satisfied with the results of the morning‘s work. The only thing I wished for a was a bigger bed which made me smile again. We’d make do.

After I was finished, I headed out to the training grounds again. I needed to move, to stretch out the kinks and burn away what was left of the memories from the night before. I couldn’t let what had happened to me in the past shape my future in a way that would keep me from reaching my dreams. But even thinking all of that, I found myself heading to place I hadn’t visited since I came back from training with Pervy Sage. It was the place where Team Seven had come together for the very first time. The training ground was empty of people but it was full of memories. 

I walked over to the three wooden posts that stood at the edge of the clearing. We’d become a team here. How had it gone so wrong? How could Sasuke go from a teammate that shared his lunch with me to what he’d become now? I’d tried so hard to bring him home because I was convinced that he could be saved. But now I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t understand him anymore. I didn’t really know what he wanted and I wasn’t sure what lines he would be willing to cross. A while back, I’d gone on a solo mission for the first time ever. Konoha had been short handed at the time and I was excited that I would finally be able to show Tsunade what I could do on my own. But on my way home, Sasuke had attacked and captured me.

And during those painful, agonizing days as his prisoner. . . he tried to break me. 

After Sasuke was finished, he’d dumped me outside the gates of Konoha like a piece of trash. Part of the emotional torture he’d inflicted on me had been a Genjutsu vision that made me think that the entire village had been watching him abuse me while they did nothing to stop it. I’d felt so unsafe and ashamed that I’d run away. I’d run to Suna, to Gaara. He found me in the desert and brought me back to his village so I could heal. I’m not sure what would have happened if it had been anyone else. 

“You look a little lost in thought. That’s not like you, Naruto.”

I turned my head to see Kakashi standing at the edge of the clearing. He must have finished whatever he was doing with Yamato Taichou early because I hadn’t expected him back until the end of the week. He was leaning against a tree with one hand in his pocket and a book in the other. I wondered idly if it was Pervy Sage’s new one or if he was re-reading one of the others. I couldn’t even get through even one of them and I always wondered how he could read them over and over so many times. Shrugging, I looked back towards the posts and the shadows that lingered there.

“Just have a lot to think about, I guess.” That was kind of a vague answer and he deserved more than that. Kakashi had been my team leader, he’d been my mentor. And sometimes he’d just been my friend. But I wasn’t quite sure where to start.

“There’s been a lot going on,” he said quietly. 

That was certainly the truth. The last few years had been so busy with world shaking events happening nearly every day. And they were never really things that I wanted to happen. 

“Will I be able to take the Chunin Exams this year?” I blurted suddenly. That wasn’t really been what I’d been thinking and I knew I was changing the subject. Kakashi didn’t really know what had happened when I’d disappeared for a week. Nobody knew except for Gaara and I really wasn’t ready to talk about it. I wasn’t sure if I ever would be. But now that the subject of the exams was out there, I really wanted to know. 

“Hmmm.” Kakashi breathed in and let it out slowly like he was thinking about it. When he closed the book softly and put it in his pouch, I knew he was really listening. “Entrance into the exams requires a team of three.”

“So how did Sakura do it? And Sai. Did he even take them?” 

“Sakura teamed up with Choji and Ino since Shikamaru had already passed. And as for Sai, you’ll have to ask him yourself.”

I huffed a breath and kicked at a clump of grass. He probably wouldn’t tell me even if I did ask. But I wasn’t going to let this go because it was way too important. How would I ever become Hokage if I was still a Genin? It sounded like I was going to have to find a couple of other people to team up with. I didn’t like the idea of working with a bunch of younger kids but I’d do whatever I had to. 

“Are there any teams that need another member this time around?” I asked him, trying not to sound too hopeful. 

Kakashi shook his head. “I’m sorry. You won’t be able to enter this year. And you’re getting a little old.”

“Oh, come on.” I rounded on him. “Kabuto was totally older than me when he took them with us.”

Kakashi’s single visible eyebrow rose. “He was also a spy and a traitor. I don’t think you want to use him as an example.”

“Well I’ve got to do something. I refuse to stay a Genin forever.”

“And nobody said that you had to.” 

“But you just said-”

“I said you couldn’t enter the exams this year. I didn’t say you couldn’t become Chunin.” The skin around Kakashi’s eye was crinkling above his mask like it always did when he smiled. Like he was laughing at me. I narrowed my eyes and glared at him. 

“So how do I do it? It’s not like it could possibly be on merit alone since I can’t even leave the damned village anymore.” I couldn’t help but sound a little bitter about that. There were some people in the village that would keep me cooped up here all the time if they could, especially a couple of the council members. With things the way they were, it was like Danzo was getting his wish. 

“I can’t even push myself in my training because I need a babysitter to keep Kyuubi from coming out and going crazy.” Now that I’d gotten started, I couldn’t seem to stop. I pinned Kakashi with a glare. “So tell me. How am I supposed to get stronger if I can’t go on missions or train effectively? I‘m not weak, dammit!”

“No, you’re not.” 

He came over and put a hand on my shoulder carefully. Like he wasn’t sure if I’d shrug him off or not. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I would either. I just felt so angry. I hadn’t really seen Kakashi much in the last few months and I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d seen Jiraiya. It was starting to make me feel neglected and I just couldn’t deal with being ignored again. Not after I’d come so far. My body started to shake and I took an unsteady breath. Was this leftover emotion from last night when I freaked out? Was it the memories of this place? Or was it just because I’d finally had enough of all of it?

“This has really been bothering you for a while hasn’t it?” Kakashi’s voice was gentle but it wasn’t because he was talking down to me. And it wasn’t that careful tone he used when he was trying not to push me over the edge. I knew he cared and I started to feel a little foolish again.

“Yeah, I guess. It’s just not fair,” I mumbled halfheartedly. My voice was really quiet and when I shrugged, he squeezed my shoulder gently. Of all the people that had come into my life, Kakashi was one of the most important. 

“Would it make you feel better if I told you that I just came from Tsunade’s office and that she has a mission for you? It‘ll give you a chance to get out of the village for a while.”

“What? Right now?” I jerked away and looked at him with a little bit of panic. He seemed honestly surprised. 

“I thought you just said you wanted to go on a mission and you were tired of being cooped up here.”

“But, right now. . .I’m just. . .” I bit my lip. “It’s just that Gaara’s here and I never get to see him.”

His eye did that crinkly thing again. I wasn’t really sure how much he knew about how close Gaara and I had gotten. But maybe I was reading too much into that look. Kakashi chuckled. 

“Then I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear that you’ll be escorting him back to Suna.”

“Really?” I brightened but it turned into a frown almost immediately. It was bad enough that the council underestimated me and sometimes treated me like crap. I wouldn’t let them do it to Gaara too. He deserved more respect than that. “Wait. Does he really need an escort? He’s Kazekage. He can take care of himself and he’s got his siblings with him.”

“Perhaps escort was the wrong word. Tsunade’s sending a team to evaluate Suna’s testing area. But if you don’t want to go-”

“No no! I mean, yes! I do. I really do.” There was no way I’d pass up this opportunity. “Uh, when are we leaving?” Gaara had said he’d been here three days and unless something had changed, we still had two more left. 

“Tomorrow. There are still a few more details that need to be discussed but the timetable was moved up. You‘ll need to get ready for the trip.” Kakashi tiled his head. “But you look like you’ve got some free time on your hands at the moment. Maybe you’d like to train for a little while.”

I felt a grin spread across my face. “Yeah! But wait? Don’t we need Yamato Taichou for that?” I didn’t like the restriction but I wouldn’t risk hurting anybody.   
“Not necessarily. No clones today, just some good old one on one sparring.”

I blinked. One on one with Kakashi. Coming from him, that was a pretty awesome compliment. He was one of the best ninjas I knew and he didn’t waste his time sparring with just anybody. I’d finally gotten the bells from him with Sakura when I came back from training with Pervy Sage. And now I could show him what I could really do. 

I grinned. “Let’s do it.”

. . . . . . .

When I headed home late in the afternoon, I was just as tired as yesterday but not nearly as dirty. Kakashi had some serious moves on him and he’d actually kept the book in his pouch the whole time so I knew he’d been paying attention. Before getting to my apartment, I popped into Ichiraku to order some delivery. Of all the places in Konoha, I’d always felt the most welcome at the restaurant. Even before people started to accept me, Teuchi always smiled when I came in and he considered me his best customer. Right now, he was grinning as I told him what I wanted. Miso with pork was an absolute favorite of mine but the gizzard was totally for Gaara. he’d gotten me to try it one time and I thought it was kind of gross when. But he liked it.

I wasn’t quite sure when Gaara would be done for the day so I asked for the ramen to be delivered a little later. That would also give me a chance to get cleaned up too. I made one last stop to pick up a new kettle. When I got home, I got all the way into the kitchen before I realized that the lock on my door had been fixed. I went back out and looked at the mended door and then down at the key in my hand. Backtracking down the stairs, I took a breath before knocking on the door to the apartment below mine. I wasn’t used to people helping me and I wasn‘t quite sure what to say. When it opened, a little old man stood squinting up at me. 

“Eh? Who’re you?” he asked, blinking up at me as if he were trying to figure out where he’d seen me before. I knew those kind of looks and I braced myself for when it to turned into disgust. 

“Who’s there, Dad?” Another man who looked like a younger version of the guy who answered came to the door. When he saw me, he actually smiled. “Oh. Hello, Naruto.”

I just blinked at him in surprise. I’d seen him before as I was coming and going to my place but I don’t think we’d ever really said anything to each other. “Uh, hi,” I said as I tried not to fidget.

“Dad, this is Naruto. He’s the one who helped Mia’s village when they were in trouble last spring.”

“Naruto? The fox boy?” The old man’s eyes narrowed as his mouth twisted in a frown. 

I swallowed hard. This is what I’d been afraid of. Any minute now he would glare and start cursing at me and tell me to go away. But before I could retreat, his face broke into a happy smile that threw me completely off guard. “Any friend of my niece is a friend of mine. Come in, come in.” 

I lingered out on the doorstep hesitantly, suddenly aware that I was kind of grubby and unkempt from sparring earlier. “I, um. I can’t stay really. I just came to thank you for fixing my lock. And for the eggs this morning,” I added as I remembered breakfast. “You didn’t have to-”

“Pfft.” The old man cut me off and waved it away as he headed further into the apartment. “No trouble at all. We’re neighbors. Neighbors help each other out.” 

That was new to me. But then so many things were when it came to how other people acted. When it came down to it, I didn’t really understand people as much as I wanted to. But I was going to learn. I’d never get anywhere if I didn’t understand the people around me. The younger man’s eyes flicked from his father back to me with what looked like an amused expression. But then it turned serious. 

“I’d like to apologize,” he said quietly. 

I blinked, totally at a loss. “What for?” 

He was surprised at first by my reaction and then he almost looked a little embarrassed. “I have not always been kind to you. And for no good reason.” He cleared his throat. “I let rumors color my opinion and affect my actions without really getting to know you. I’d like to ask for your forgiveness.”

I honestly couldn’t really remember any specific thing that he had to be sorry about. Everybody in the village used to give me dirty looks and after a while, I just got used to it. And I think everybody here in the apartment building had yelled at me at least once for being annoying, but mostly it was because I was being loud. He sounded honestly sorry.

“It’s okay.” My first impulse was to shrug it off but he was being really serious and that didn’t feel quite right. So I was honest. “All I want is to be able to protect the village.”

His expression was a little baffled, like he didn’t quite know what to make of me. “You’re nothing like I expected. To be who you are after the way we treated you.” He might have continued but the old man came shuffling back out with a small covered plate. 

“My niece just sent another batch of cookies today.” He held out the plate to me with that happy smile still on his face. “Share them with that nice young man I met this morning.”

I wondered idly if he knew that nice young man was actually the Kazekage. Smiling back, I took the plate and resisted the urge to eat a cookie right that second. “Thanks.” Looking back to his son, I grinned. “No worries. We’re good.”

When I got back upstairs, I paused outside my door. The whole exchange from downstairs suddenly struck me and it released a deep knot in my chest that I hadn’t even realized was there. I’d worked so hard to get people to acknowledge me, to acknowledge that I had a right to exist. Iruka Sensei had been the first. He’d seen something in me and reached out when no one else would. He’d apologized to me too but that had been in the middle of a fight. There had been no grand battles here. It was just simple caring from one person to another. My throat started to get a little tight and my vision swam. 

“Naruto?” Gaara came to a stop at the top of the stairs and was watching me carefully. 

I no idea how long I’d been standing there staring at the plate in my hands. Holding it out, I gave him a watery smile. “Want a cookie?”

He smiled quietly in return as he came forward to take the plate from my hands and drew me inside the apartment to the kitchen. He set the plate on the table and cupped my face in his hands. “Are you alright?”

I sniffed and reached out to wrap my arms around his waist and rested my forehead against his. He’d asked me that question the night before and I’d told him no. But last night seemed so far away right now.

“Yeah. I’m good.” I was better than good, actually. Rationally, I knew that there were still people that didn’t like me all that much. But for the first time, winning them over didn’t seem like such an impossible task. Sure, I’d helped the guy’s niece. But other than that, I hadn’t really done all that much. It was more like he really looked at me for the first time and saw that I wasn’t actually a monster.

Pulling Gaara closer to me, I kissed him. It was just a press of lips at first but it slowly grew into something more. I was happy right now. Up until this point, I’d only ever been able to share my sadness and pain with Gaara. I wanted to offer something more, something joyful and precious. He responded and moved closer as his fingers slid up to thread through my hair. 

When we pulled apart, that small smile was still on his face. “I was going to ask you how your day went but I suppose that‘s answer enough.”  
“It wasn’t really the day itself,” I told him. My problems were not completely gone and there was still so much work to be done. But right in this moment, it was okay. I was content. “I’m just figuring some things out.” 

Before Gaara had arrived yesterday, I’d worried about how our relationship was going to work. When we’d first been together before, it had been impulsive and passionate, but natural in a way I don’t think either of us really understood at the time. I’d been worried that things would become awkward if we had too much time to think about what we were doing. And I’d been doing a lot of thinking in the last few months. We’d both grown up so alone that neither of us had much experience dealing with other people. How could we possibly last? But looking into his pale, green-blue eyes, I knew we’d be alright. That natural feeling was still there. We fit together. 

We were both startled by a knock on the door. I let out a shaky breath that turned into a quiet laugh. “That would be dinner. We never did get a chance to go out to Ichiraku last night.”

“We could have gone out tonight,” Gaara said, cocking his head to the side.

I looked into his eyes again and squeezed him in a hug. When I spoke, it came out as a whisper. “I don’t want to share you with anyone.” 

Maybe it was selfish of me. Gaara was the Kazekage and he belonged to his people. It was the same way I would belong to Konoha when I became Hokage. But right now, in this moment, he was mine. The pale skin of his cheeks flushed bright pink and his gaze shifted away from me. I kissed his cheek before releasing him to answer the door. Ayame stood waiting with the noodles. 

“Here you go, Naruto,” she said with a smile. She had always been as nice to me as her dad.

I thanked her and took everything back inside, so could I start pulling the covered bowls out of the carrier. Gaara had washed the new kettle and put water on to boil for tea. When I handed him the ramen with gizzard, he looked at me and blushed again. It was such a simple thing. He knew that I didn’t like it and that I’d gotten it just for him. The expression was adorable and it made me want to figure out how to make him do it again. 

“So how was your day?” I asked him when we settled down to eat.

“Relatively uneventful but a learning experience all the same. Tsunade is. . .” He trailed off as if he were thinking of how to say it.

“Unreasonable, really freaking loud, and sometimes violent when she doesn’t agree with something?” I offered with a smirk.

The corner of Gaara’s mouth twitched like he was fighting not to smile. Probably because he thought it would be rude to agree even if it was funny. “I wouldn’t phrase it quite like that.” 

“That’s because you’re way more polite than me.” I shrugged. “But you know it‘s true. She looked like she was about ready to literally toss me out of the window the other day when I started to argue with her.” 

“She’s frustrated. She’s forced to spend a great deal of time fighting the council members as they try to outmaneuver and manipulate her.”

“I figure you’d be familiar with that kind of thing.” There was a quiet sigh and I immediately wished I hadn’t said it. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”

“No, don’t be sorry. You’re right.” Gaara studied his bowl before looking back up at me. “I value the council members’ opinions because they have more experience than I do. And I don’t think it would be good for any Kage to have absolute power over their village. But there are times when they think they know better just because of that experience which may not always be the case.” He took another deep breath. “There are times when it is extremely difficult to do my job.”

“Do you ever regret it?” 

“No.” His answer was immediate and firm. I hadn’t expected anything less but part of me did wonder. 

“Are you having second thoughts about becoming Hokage?” he asked me.

“No.” My answer was no less definite than his had been. Being Hokage had always been my dream. At first, it was a fantasy when I was young and alone. There was no way people could refuse to acknowledge me in that position. But it had turned into something else since then. It was a way to protect the village and everyone in it. No matter what had happened in the past, they mattered to me. 

“It’s sill what I want. Nothing will change that.” It really was what I wanted but it did make me think. “You know,” I said. “Tsunade never really wanted the job.” 

“Really?” Gaara seemed mildly surprised by that.

“Yeah. Jiraiya and I had to hunt her down and when we finally found her, she said no.” I smiled as I remembered. “I’m pretty sure the council tried to give it to him first and he was probably trying to find a way to get out of it.” 

“From what I understand, their relationship can be rather. . .volatile. How did he finally convince her?” Gaara’s understanding of people and how they behaved was better than mine, but I think relationships still confused him.

“I don’t know, really. She was talking some serious trash when I first met her. She had no respect for the position and I didn‘t really like her much. Then she bet me that I couldn’t master the Rasengan in a week.” I frowned. “Then things got weird. Orochimaru and Kabuto showed up and there was a huge fight. When it was over, she finally agreed to be Hokage but I’m not really sure what changed her mind.”

Gaara’s gazed was fixed on me like he knew something that I didn’t. It was a strange look that was warm with a little bit of wonder, almost like the look my downstairs neighbor had given me earlier. 

“What?” I asked him.

He shook his head. “Nothing.” Reaching across the table, he took my hand. But the touch wasn’t meant to be consoling like it had been the night before. His fingers were warm and I felt the tingle of the contact travel up my arm. Instead of ripping across my body like an electric shock, it wrapped around my heart like a soft blanket. Heat warmed my face and I felt a sappy grin pull at my mouth. 

“I’m glad you came for a visit.” And I really was. I’d been feeling a little lost and I was finally starting to feel like I was finding my way again. I’d been worried that Gaara and I would have to start all over again when it came to what hovered between us. I wondered if was all passion and impulse. But of course, I knew it wasn‘t. 

I loved him. 

Completely. 

Utterly. 

Without question. 

Putting my chopsticks aside, I got up and moved around the table so I was right next to Gaara’s chair. He tilted his face up and gazed up at me with a quiet adoration that ordinarily would have made me feel a little weird. But it felt right. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to his. I tasted ramen and Gaara. My two favorite things. 

“I love you,” I murmured against his mouth.

He paused as if the words surprised him. They shouldn’t have because we’d both said them before. In fact, he’d said them first. Of course, he’d been a little loopy with fever at the time but I was pretty sure that just pushed aside his inhibitions since he didn’t have the concentration to over-think it. If he thought that I’d changed my mind about us and that I didn’t feel the same way, I’d just have to show him otherwise. I drew him up out of the chair wrapped my arms around him. He always felt so good against me. I couldn’t imagine not being close to him, not touching him, not tasting him. All I’d had for months was letters, memories, and my imagination. I was more than ready to indulge in the reality.


	3. Chapter 3

“Naruto,” Gaara breathed as he practically melted into me and pressed closer. There was so much want in the way he said my name. Maybe he didn’t have as many doubts as I thought. 

I continued kiss him, delving into his mouth and caressing his tongue with mine. As my hands slid down his back and settled on his butt, he moaned softly. I could feel the flex of the muscles under my hands as he shifted even closer. The other two times we’d been together, it had almost been a little rushed like we couldn‘t wait. But tonight I wanted to take my time and savor every moment. But I suddenly realized that I hadn’t showered yet and the sweat of the day was making my clothes stick to my skin. 

“Well, dammit,” I muttered. It felt kind of stupid to call a time out now that I was all riled up. I briefly thought about taking our activities into the shower. We’d done some really nice things in Gaara’s big bathtub when I’d been in Suna but my tiny bathroom wasn’t really big enough for two. 

“Hmmm?” Gaara sounded distracted and his eyes were a little distant. They cleared as he focused on me, a small furrow appeared on his brow. “Is something wrong?” 

“No!”

Gaara blinked and pulled back a little in surprise. I cursed my abrupt tone and caught hold of his arms before he could move away. 

“I mean no. It’s okay, nothing‘s wrong.” I didn’t want to stress him out and ruin the mood so I leaned in and kissed him again. He exhaled and I could feel him settling as he forced himself to relax. “Um. Hold that thought,” I mumbled against his lips. “Been training and I’m kinda gross. I’ll be right back, I promise.” 

I caught his speculative look as I dashed into the bathroom and took the fastest shower of my life. I didn’t bother getting dressed again and just wrapped a towel around my waist. My clothes were just going to come off again anyway. Why waste what little time we had?

When I came out of the bathroom, Gaara wasn’t in the kitchen anymore and the door to my bedroom was open. I peered around the doorframe and saw him looking at the pictures on my dresser. One of them was resting face down and I came in just as Gaara was setting it back in place.

“Forgive me for prying,” he said, his tone apologetic.

I shrugged. “It’s okay. I should probably put that one away. I just never got around to it.” I came over and brushed my fingers over the edge of the frame before taking a breath and turning it over. It was a group photo of Team Seven, and I couldn’t quite help the quick jolt in my belly when I saw the image of Sasuke. I’d been frowning at him then and I was frowning at him now. I hadn’t been able to look at it for quite a while. 

Gaara’s hand came to rest on my shoulder and the warmth of it against my skin settled me. The discomfort that had started to rise slowly faded away and allowed me to face it with a relatively clear head. The picture was an image of the past, a time that I almost wished I could go back to. But I never really would even if I had the chance, mostly because of one of the other photos.

Ever since my mail had gotten hijacked by the Anbu, which nearly led to Gaara and I never getting together, I’d been a little obsessive about checking for messages. I visited the aviary tower almost every day. I didn’t actually get mail everyday but I would never let it be taken away from me again. A few weeks ago, Gaara’s brother had sent me a letter which had been a surprise. At first, I’d felt a moment of panic thinking that something bad had happened to Gaara. But when I opened the envelop, a photo fell out into my hand. In the letter that came with it, Kankuro said it was a gift to remind me what was important. 

The photo had been taken during the festival in Suna on the first night Gaara and I had spent together. In the picture, we were both wearing festival robes and the night air was lit up with the glow of fireworks. Our fingers were linked as we held hands. My face was turned up to watch the light show but Gaara was gazing at me with a look of complete adoration and wonder, like he was surprised that I was there. The turquoise robe he’d been wearing had made his eyes shine like warm, crystal seawater. 

I had no idea who had taken the photo but I was so glad Kankuro had given me a copy. My memories from that night had been kind of hazy because we’d both been a little drunk at the time. But I remembered the feel of his hand in mine and the connection that we’d both finally been able to make.

“That’s one of my favorite memories,” I told him as I let my earlier uneasiness slide away completely. 

Gaara turned and smiled softly at me. “It is for me as well. Though I don’t remember it as well as I’d like.” His expression turned a little sheepish. 

Through the haze of fuzzy memories, I remembered wanting him that first night. It was a longing so strong that I’d risked losing everything just to satisfy it. Sometimes I think it was just dumb luck that Gaara wanted me back. My fingers reached out to brush a few strands of hair away from his temple before pulling him in for another kiss. I didn’t have much experience, but it seemed to get easier with practice.

“Let’s make some new memories then,” I whispered between kisses. 

Gaara hummed in agreement against my mouth. He was pressed up against me, but he was wearing too many clothes. I needed to fix that. In my excitement, my fingers fumbled with the buckles on his vest and it seemed like the number of belts and fastenings had tripled since he‘d walked in the door. When he reached up and tried to help, I gently pushed his hands away. I wanted to do this myself. There was something really enjoyable about peeling all of his clothes off. Everybody in Suna always wore lots of layers and sometimes I wondered how they could do that without getting really hot. It was pretty hot now too and I could feel the warmth radiating off of Gaara’s body. 

His vest finally fell to the floor in a heap as I started on the buttons and zippers of his jacket. I was never quite sure how he managed to pull off wearing maroon without having it clash with his hair. But he managed. Gaara had finally stopped trying to help undress and lowered his hands to his sides. But a small smile played on his lips. I blinked in surprise when small trails of sand loosened my towel so it fell to the floor. I grinned and had to fight the urge to giggle as the surprisingly soft touches hit a couple of ticklish spots. But even though it made me squirm, I was too focused on my task to let it distract me from finishing what I was doing. 

When we were both completely undressed, I took Gaara’s hand and led him over to the bed. Kissing him again, I eased him down onto the soft surface and straddled his hips. But before I went any farther, I sat back to get a good look at him. He’d called me beautiful once. From my point of view, it was totally the other way around. Gaara’s frame was a little smaller than mine, but even though he mostly used his sand when he fought, his body was lean and muscled. His skin was creamy pale and smooth. Deep red hair framed his face and the mark on his forehead. The dark outlines around his eyes, a permanent mark from years of sleepless nights, gave him an exotic look. 

The sun had started to set and the shades were drawn over the window but even in the twilight dark of the room, I could see a blush spreading across Gaara’s face under the attention he was getting. I liked seeing him relaxed and happy and it was cute when he got all embarrassed about it. I settled back on his thighs and reached out to place my hands lightly on his belly. His muscles quivered under my touch and his breath caught as I slid my fingertips down over his sides. Leaning down, I kissed the center of his chest. Resting my forehead there, I let myself feel the rise and fall of his body as he breathed.

“Naruto,” Gaara whispered. His fingers slid into my hair and tugged lightly. When I flicked my tongue out and touched his skin, he inhaled sharply and shifted beneath me. It didn’t really take much to get a reaction out of him but I don’t think anybody touched him much except for me. A simple hug could be pretty intense after years of being alone. I slid forward and stretched out on top of him going for as much skin contact as possible. I wanted to touch him everywhere.

I kissed his mouth and moved my hands up his body. Gaara whimpered and wrapped his arms around my back, pulling me closer against him as his hips pushed up into mine. I’d been pretty aroused before we started and it wasn’t taking much to make it build into something more. The gentle friction of our most intimate parts touching was surprisingly good. We continued to rub against each other as we started to nip and bite. When the sensations finally crested, I rode the soft wave of pleasure and kissed Gaara’s throat. I’d missed him so much. I’d missed this, missed being close.

He tensed and clung to me as he came. The throaty groan he let out vibrated against my lips. It wasn’t often that he let go. Gaara’s world was full of such rigid control. It used to be because he spent every moment fighting the Shukaku and trying to keep him from coming out. And then it was to gain everyone’s approval and prove to them that he wasn’t a monster. But he didn’t have to prove anything to me. I knew him like no one else could. Letting myself relax, I’d shifted my weight to the side a little and cuddled up against his side with my head on his shoulder.

I found myself wanting to take things slowly even though our time here was limited. I couldn’t bring myself to rush anything like we had our first time. Or our second time, for that matter. Shifting again, I nuzzled his throat with soft, open mouthed kisses. I tried to memorize the feel of his skin beneath my lips. Gaara turned into me and pressed closer. We only had this single night to spend together since we were leaving tomorrow and I‘d wasted last night by freaking out. I had no idea what we’d be doing once we got to Suna. 

“You’re going to need another shower,” Gaara murmured into my hair. 

Chuckling quietly, I let my hand drift down to his hip. “I’d offer to shower together but I think we’d get stuck in there because it’s so small.”

Gaara’s soft laugh was a treasure. He really didn’t laugh very often and I loved being able to hear it when he did. His cheek settled on my hair and I felt him take a deep breath before letting it out in a long, controlled exhale. 

His touch was a little hesitant at first where his hand rested on my back. I think it was still hard for him sometimes, even when we were alone. He loved me, I knew he did. But old habits died hard and he’d spend most of his life so closed off from other people. I think he sometimes had to convince himself that he was allowed to be with someone like this. But his discomfort passed pretty quickly and his fingertips started making small circles on my skin that sent tingles all the way down to my toes. My sigh turned into a soft moan as he got bolder and he slipped his other hand between our bodies. We pressed closer, arms and legs tangling as we started all over again. 

. . . . . . .

Then next morning, I went to the mission center in the Hokage tower to get my official orders. I came into the room and stood beside Shikamaru who was already waiting. Tsunade was sitting at the table with Iruka Sensei. Gaara was seated on her other side with his siblings standing behind him. He’d left my apartment this morning right after breakfast to take care of some last minute details. I’d stayed behind and taken the time to get my pack together and gather some supplies. But there hadn’t been much I needed to do. Ever since I’d come home from Suna the last time, I’d had a bag packed and ready so I could leave immediately if I ever got a chance to visit Gaara. 

I smiled at him as I let thoughts of last night drift across my mind. It was probably pretty obvious what I was thinking. As usual, Gaara was much better at keeping his composure, but I‘d gotten better at picking up on the little things. He didn’t quite blush but his lips twitched slightly in the beginnings of that quite smile I‘d grown to love. Turning back to Tsunade who was sitting at the table with Iruka Sensei, I stuck my hands in my pockets. 

“So, what’s up Granny?”

Her eyes narrowed and an angry snarl pulled at her mouth, but I just grinned back at her. Iruka let out a sigh and I thought I heard him mutter something about respect and maturity under his breath. Was I being disrespectful on purpose? No, not really. It wasn’t any less or more than they expected from me. I wasn’t going to pretend to be something that I wasn’t. And I just loved yanking her chain. There were way too many serious things happening in the world to not have a sense of humor. But when it was really important and the job mattered, I was all business. 

“When the rest of your team arrives, I’ll give you your mission details,” Tsunade said as she shuffled through a few papers on the table.

I didn’t see Sakura or Sai anywhere and Kakashi hadn’t shown up yet. I wasn’t even sure Captain Yamato was even in the village right now, so I wasn’t sure how things were going to work out. I was a little impatient to get started but I had to force myself to relax. This was the fist time I‘d been out of the village in more than a month. 

“Good morning, my friends!” Lee come bounding into the room before coming to attention and saluting Tsunade. “I am honored to participate in this most momentous occasion!”

“Hey, bushy-brows. What’s up?” He’d been out on a lot of missions lately so I hadn’t seen him in a while. 

“I will be accompanying you on your mission,” he said proudly before glancing around. “Am I early? I don’t see Kakashi Sensei.”

I shrugged. “Eh. He’s always late.” 

It actually would have been really weird if he’d showed up on time. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kankuro glance over at his brother and grin beneath his face paint. If Gaara noticed his expression, he didn‘t let it show, but I’d heard that he was pretty late most of the time too. But never for me.

“Mah, mah. Sorry everyone.” Kakashi said as he came in. 

“Now that you’re all here,” Tsunade said after clearing her throat in a way that told me she meant business. “You will be accompanying the Kazekage back to Suna. The Chunin exams are coming up and it has been proposed that they be held in the Land of Wind this year.”

I actually knew most of this and I fidgeted where I stood. Don’t get me wrong. I was super excited to get a chance to spend time with Gaara, but I didn’t see how I was going to learn anything while I was doing it. “Is that it? Are we just acting as an escort?” 

Tsunade slammed the papers down on her desk loud enough to make Iruka jump. “If you’ll let me finish,” she said, her tone dangerous. Her glare held me on the spot for a moment as she waited for me to interrupt. But when I managed to stay quiet, she shuffled the papers carefully and set them back down. “Suna has a testing ground similar to the Forty-Fourth training area here in Konoha. Naruto, Shikamaru, and Lee. You will take a test run through the grounds to evaluate the conditions and the difficulty.” 

For some reason, that surprised me. I’d never really put much thought into how the exams happened or what planning had to be done. I just knew I wanted to take them so I could finally become a Chunin. Kakashi said I wouldn’t be able to but at the very least, this would be a challenge and something to do other than sit around brooding in Konoha. And as a bonus, I’d get to visit Gaara. 

“Alright,” I clapped my hands together. “Let’s get started then!”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and Lee applauded my enthusiasm. Kakashi remained silent as usual. I thought Tsunade would have been unimpressed. She always seemed to take my excitement in stride but I could have sworn I saw her smile this time. When she saw that I’d noticed, her expression darkened again. 

“This mission is extremely important and is crucial to maintaining the building relationship between Konoha and Suna as well as all other villages that will be participating in the Exams.”

I opened my mouth to tell her that was pretty obvious but something stopped me. This was really important to Gaara and I didn’t want to mess it up. So I forced myself to relax and just nodded instead. Iruka gave me a pleased smile and I felt that same faith that my neighbor had shown me the day before. I could do this and I’d give it everything I had. But one minor detail was still bothering me. 

“Um, what about Yamato Taichou? Is he going with us?” If I had to spend the entire time not using any techniques, this trip was going to suck. A small nervous twitch made me frown. And if I got angry or desperate enough during a fight, there was a chance Kyuubi might make an appearance. I wouldn’t risk hurting anyone on purpose, but my few attempts to gain control after going beyond those limits hadn’t gone very well. 

Kakashi gave me a considering look before giving my shoulder a soft pat. “Yamato is still working on something else, but he should meet up with us on the way to Suna.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything. It was both a good and a bad thing that he‘d be there. I was glad that he’d help keep everyone safe from what I could do. But I wanted to be able to deal with all of it myself, and sometimes having Yamato Taichou there felt like a crutch. How would I ever become Hokage if I needed him to follow me around all the time. It had been months since I’d had an episode, and the last time I’d actually talked to Kyuubi, he’d been kind of nice. In a weird and confusing way. He’d even asked Gaara for help once when he tried to save me, so he couldn‘t be completely evil. Maybe I wouldn’t slip over the edge and go crazy anymore. A small, irritated rumble in the back of my mind told me Kyuubi didn’t quite agree with that last thought. But I didn’t have time to argue with him right now. The mission came first.

. . . . . . . 

When we were finally standing at the gates ready to leave, I started to get excited again. This was the first time I’d left Konoha in weeks. I loved my village but being stuck here was really starting to get on my nerves. Taking a deep breath, I looked out through the gate down the road before turning back at the handful of people behind me. Sai had been sent out on a mission of his own, but Sakura had come to see us off. Sometimes it was still a little hard to meet her eyes but I wasn’t nearly as nervous around her as I had been when I first came home from Suna. When Sasuke had tortured me, he’d used Genjutsu to make me believe that she hated me. In the vision, she’d actually spit on me and turned her back. 

There were times I had to remind myself that it hadn’t really been her. But that wasn’t the only reason I tended to falter around her. I’d made her a promise that I hadn’t been able to keep yet. It was a promise that I might never be able to keep. I’d been convinced that I could bring Sasuke home but I wasn’t sure that was even possible anymore. Squaring my shoulders, I shook off the uncomfortable memories.

Sakura was watching me carefully. I was pretty sure she knew something was up but we hadn‘t really talked about any of it. I’d done my best to pretend I was okay and smile around her even if I wasn’t alright. I’m not sure how successful I was, but when I turned and grinned at her this time, it was a genuine smile. 

“It’s going to be totally weird doing this without you,” I told her. 

“I’m sure Shikamaru and Lee will take good care of you for me.” Her smile let me know she was just teasing but I frowned at her and stuck my lower lip out anyway.

“I don’t need to be taken care of.” I crossed my arms over my chest and sneered. The comment actually hit a little closer to home than I would have liked but I tried not to let it show. Sakura didn’t seem to notice.

“Of course not,” she laughed. “Here, these might come in handy.” She held out the package she was carrying. 

I took the bundle cautiously and peered inside. It was filled with homemade food pills and I tried not to wince. The last time she’d made them, they were barely edible. I heard her laugh again when she saw my expression and it was a good sound. It was one that I didn’t hear often enough anymore. I wasn’t the only one who’d been hurt by Sasuke. But right now she was smiling again and I was so glad I‘d be able to take that memory with me. 

“I had some help making them,” she said. “These ones shouldn’t make you sick.”

“Shouldn’t?” I asked cautiously. 

She growled and punched me in the arm. “Just take them. And good luck.”

“Thanks.” I smiled back at her and tucked them into my pack. Glancing at my team and Gaara’s one last time, I took off running through the gate before I let anything else get me down. “Let’s go!”

“He knows he’s not the team leader, right?” Kankuro muttered behind me as everyone else followed. 

. . . . . . .

The first day of traveling was easy but incredibly satisfying. I loved the feeling of wind blowing across my face as I leapt through the trees. There was a feeling of freedom that came with being able to run without restrictions. And we were going to Suna which was a huge bonus. Gaara traveled easily at my side, rarely more than a few feet away. Everyone else fanned out behind us. I glanced back a couple of times and saw that Shikamaru and Temari were about as far apart as they could get and still be part of the group. They weren’t really fooling anybody and I wondered why they were so weird about being together. They had nothing to worry about but I guess I kind of knew how they felt.

When I left Suna the last time, I felt weird and kind of shy hugging Gaara in public. I’d been worried about what other people would think of him. He already had a hard enough time by himself. I still wasn’t quite sure what to do about it yet. When we were alone, it was easy and I didn’t second guess myself at all. But in front of other people? I wasn’t so sure what I should do or what anyone else would think. And I had no idea how it would affect our villages. I let out a long sigh as I did my best to shake off that train of thought. Gaara gave me a questioning glance by I just shook my head and kept going. I didn’t even know how to talk about it with him. His own confidence was such a hard won thing that I didn’t want to make him worry about it.

When we stopped for the night, I offered to take the first watch and leapt up onto a large branch overlooking the camp to keep an eye on things. I was still way too revved up from traveling to get any sleep. Temari took up position on the other side of the clearing while everyone else settled around the fire. If it had been anyone else, I might have been pissed off. I could handle it. But Gaara’s siblings were super protective and I knew there was no way I‘d be able to argue. One of them would have been up no matter who stood first watch. 

Kakashi was propped up against the tree I was sitting in. I think he was still awake and trying to keep an eye on me. A prickle of irritation made grit my teeth, but I forced myself to relax as my eyes drifted down to where Gaara lay. He was curled up on his side with his blanket tucked tightly around him. The night was a little damp and chilly and I had my own blanket wrapped around my shoulders. Kankuro was sitting next to Gaara, but he watched his brother for a little while before settling down to sleep himself. 

I’d once made a comment to Gaara about how many people followed him around, even in his own village. Sometimes it almost felt like a parade. He’d told me that part of being a Kage meant a restriction of freedom and I hadn’t quite understood what he meant. But now that I thought about it, even old man Third always had somebody trailing behind him. And I don’t think I’d ever seen Tsunade without Shizune hovering nearby. Maybe this was something that I’d have to get used to. I sneered and hunkered down into my blanket. What a stupid rule. 

Supposedly the Hokage, or Kazekage in Gaara’s case, was the strongest ninja in the village. Why would he need someone following him around keeping an eye on him all the time? It sounded super annoying. Glowering out into the growing dark, I scowled. I’d been so happy to have a mission and now I was getting all angry again. I’d have to find a way to stay calm on this trip or they’d never let me out again. It was an effort not to let my thoughts get in the way as I kept watch for anything out of the ordinary.

By the time my watch was over and Lee took my place, I was tired. Sometimes sitting around thinking wore me out more than training or fighting did. But now I could finally sleep, hopefully without any nightmares to ruin the rest of my night. I stepped carefully around Kankuro to sit on Gaara’s other side. Raising my chakra a little, I saw the soft blue glow of the pendant Gaara wore around his neck. He shifted a little and sighed in his sleep. I knew he still had trouble sleeping and I’d been mildly worried that I’d wake him. But the touch of my chakra seemed to relax him a little bit which was good. 

I had to remind myself that this trip was worth it no matter how irritated I got just because he was here. Sighing, I settled down next to him with my blanket and pack. I didn‘t even notice when I fell asleep. 

. . . . . . . 

When I opened my eyes again, I wasn’t in the camp anymore. The room was dark and I could hear the steady drip of water. Was I dreaming? It didn’t seem scary enough to be a nightmare.

“I’m not sure why you’re so driven to follow their nonsensical rules and gain their approval,” rumbled a deep voice. “Release me and no one will ever dare make you do something you don‘t want to do again.”

Kyuubi. 

As things came into focus, I found myself lying propped up against his side. My whole body rose and fell with his breathing. Do spirits need to breathe, I wondered idly. My sleepy thoughts were interrupted by huge orange-red, slitted eye as Kyuubi craned his neck around to glare at me. 

“Well?” 

I wasn’t sure how I’d ended up here and part of me thought that I should be freaking out a lot more about it. But I wasn’t really afraid. I could feel the ominous prickle of the fox’s irritation, but it was nothing like the rage I’d experienced in the past. There was an echo of it in the background I think, but I was too tired to really focus on it. 

“Nobody asked you,” I murmured irritably as I tried to get more comfortable. I was tired and I just wanted to sleep. 

“No, you simply invaded my personal space because it pleases you to do so,” he said as he rested his head on his front paws again. If anything, he sounded like he was sulking.   
“I didn’t mean to barge in on you or anything. I don‘t even how I got in here.” 

Kyuubi sighed, and I could feel the rumble of it against my back. “Indeed, you do not come to me on your own unless you are in some sort of extreme distress. That does not seem to be the case at the moment. You are frustrated and upset, but not desperate for power.” That seemed to depress him somehow. And how did he even know what I was thinking?

“Don’t talk to me like you know what I’m feeling.” I crossed my arms and sneered. “You don’t know me.”

Kyuubi snorted. “I’ve known you your entire, pathetic life. There is little mystery in your mind.” 

Oh, those were fighting words. I rolled up onto my knees, suddenly awake, and shook my fist in his face. “Are you calling me stupid!?”

A wave of hot, red chakra shoved me out through the bars where I landed with a splash in several inches of cold water. 

“Hey! What the hell?!” 

“You will not lead anyone as you are now. Your own power is not enough.” Kyuubi’s eyes gleamed in a familiar way. He was tempting me. We didn’t really talk much, but after all that happened in Suna, he’d started making offers instead of making me force him to lend me his chakra. I wasn’t sure I liked the change. His narrowed eyes gleamed in the shadows of his cage. I glared right back. 

“I’m not letting you out.”

“Then by all means, go back to your maudlin musings.” 

I felt another push as everything around me started to fade until Kyuubi’s presence vanished like a popped soap bubble and I finally fell completely asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the most recent chapter that I just posted for the first time yesterday. I have the next couple chapters already written which were mostly done a couple years ago. 
> 
> Now I'll have to move forward and finish what I started. I don't know how long it will be between updates, but I don't think I want to post more often than once a week no matter how far ahead I get. And once I've posted the chapters I currently have, I don't know how long it will take to write more. I really want to finish but I don't want to make any promises and disappoint anyone.


	4. Chapter 4

There was a soft nudge against my shoulder and I could hear someone calling my name. But I was warm and comfortable so I snuggled further into the warmth. I think I’d been dreaming about something, but I couldn‘t quite remember what it was. It couldn’t have been that important, so I did my best to try and go back to sleep. After a few minutes, the nudging became more pronounced and much harder to ignore even though I stubbornly kept my eyes shut. 

“Naruto, wake up. It’s time get ready and continue on.” Gaara sounded strangely formal for some reason.

“Hmmm.” I tightened my arms around him, wanting to keep him in bed a little while longer. He kept his body stiff and I sighed knowing I’d have to let him get up eventually. Prying open my eyes, I saw Gaara looking back at me over his shoulder from where he was laying on his side in front of me. 

“Good morning, Naruto,” he said calmly.

“Good morning.” I gave him a sleepy smile. He was giving me a pointed look like he was trying to tell me something but it took me a moment to catch on. We weren’t lying comfortably in my bed. We were outside and the sky was getting lighter as the sun was starting to peek through the trees. A quick glance showed me that everyone was standing looking around while trying to make it look like they weren‘t staring at us. 

Sometime during the night while I was sleeping, I must have snuck under Gaara’s blanket because I was pressed up against his back with my arms around his waist. It appeared that he’d been trying to get my attention for a while before I actually woke up. I didn‘t quite jump up out of the blankets, but it wasn‘t the most graceful move I‘d ever made as I got to my feet.

“Um, you looked kind of cold last night.” Oh my God, that was so lame. I could feel heat creeping up my neck, but I tried to act completely normal as I rolled up my blanket and put it in my pack. Gaara’s expression was little more neutral than I was used to as he put away his own things. Maybe it was because we were surrounded by so many people and he was embarrassed too. 

“It was a little cooler than expected,” he said. “But the temperatures will be much lower at night once we cross into the desert.”

“Too bad Yamato Taichou isn’t with us right now. He could make a house so it wouldn’t be that bad. Not that I mind sleeping outside or anything. It‘s just kind of a change of pace, I guess. It‘s not like there‘s bed or anything so we‘d be sleeping on the floor, but it would be better than the ground. Not that I mind either way or anything.” My voiced trailed off when I realized I was rambling. 

I clamped my lips together while I rooted around in my bag for something to eat. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d felt more awkward. Maybe it was because Gaara and I had never really spent so much time together around other people. Most of our personal moments happened when we were alone and when I was in Suna, Gaara’s siblings had given us a lot of space. The two night’s we’d spent in Konoha had been alone in my apartment. Now we were surrounded by people from both our villages which made it a little weird. I’d basically been spooning the leader of another village in front of a whole bunch of people. I wasn’t sure if it was more or less embarrassing because they were my friends. Figuring things out between the two of us was going to take some work.

I tried to shake it off as I rushed to get my stuff together. Everybody else looked ready to go and they‘d already been waiting for me. Not the best start to the day. But just as we were about to leave, Gaara passed close enough for his shoulder to brush mine. He had that quiet smile on his face again and I grinned in return. I couldn’t help it. The morning suddenly didn‘t seem quite so bad anymore.

The temperature started to rise as we crossed over into Wind country about midday and I could see Gaara relax as we moved out over the sand. He was completely in his element here and I felt the sand around us stir with his chakra. I’d never felt him do that before but it was like we were surrounded by a cloud of his power. My necklace started glowing in response and it was kind of a nice feeling. I was concentrating on the feeling so much that I nearly bumped into him when he suddenly stopped in front of me. A gentle, almost absent minded brush of sand steadied me before I fell over. 

Gaara gazed toward the northwest and his eyes narrowed in concentration before his whole body went rigid. A giant column of sand rose suddenly up into the sky on the horizon.   
Kankuro moved up beside us, his gaze just as intense. “That doesn’t look good.”

“Is it a sand storm?” I asked. We’d come across one of those on a past visit to Suna and we had to take shelter in a cave for two days before we could move on. But something told me that wasn’t it. I didn’t think something that was probably normal here would freak them out this much.

“No.” Gaara’s expression darkened. “That is not natural.”

Kakashi slid his headband up slightly to reveal his sharingan. I glanced away quickly as an unexpected shudder ran through me and my stomach swirled uncomfortably. I swallowed hard and hoped he didn’t notice my reaction. But Kakashi’s voice was thoughtful as he considered what he was seeing. “The sand is being disturbed by a great amount of chakra.”

“Kazuo village is in that direction,” Gaara said quietly.

Gaara’s siblings exchanged a strange, worried look. “We need to be careful,” Kankuro said. “The people there are. . .difficult. We should probably keep our distance for now and send a team to investigate.”

I had no idea what he was talking about. “Those people could be in danger and you seriously want to send somebody else? How long would that take? We‘re already here.” 

Temari narrowed her eyes. “Look, we don’t tell you what to do in your own country. This is none of your concern.” She turned to Gaara and spoke to him quietly, totally ignoring me in the process. Kankuro moved in on Gaara’s other side and the three of them stood slightly apart from the rest of us. It was like a huge wall had come down and shut us out. Gaara listened to what they had to say and his expression became that neutral mask I‘d seen earlier. But this felt different than trying to hide a little embarrassment.

A cold sensation coiled in my gut and I blew out an irritated breath to try and steady myself. I hated being ignored and cut out of conversations. The three of them had been open while I’d been in Suna. What I was seeing now was worse than when I’d first met them years ago. But if they thought I was done talking about this, they were wrong.

I opened my mouth to say something, but before I could say a word, Kakashi put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. It felt more like he was trying to hold me in place instead of offer any kind of comfort. But we couldn’t just stand here and do nothing. Lee was watching the sand like he was trying to figure out where to kick it first, but I knew he’d wait for orders before doing anything. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Shikamaru standing to one side. He had to know something was up. He looked bored but he was watching Gaara and his siblings talk carefully at the same time. When the three of them finally turned back to the rest of us, Gaara’s expression still showed nothing. 

“Temari will take you the rest of the way to Suna,” he said, his voice formal and authoritative. 

It was hard to tell how his sister felt about it because she looked the same as when she’d told me to butt out. What the hell was up with her? I’d heard that she could be pretty cold, but she’d never snapped at me like that before. Kankuro was the only one who looked actively worried but even he wouldn‘t meet my eyes. He pulled a scroll out of his pack and when he unfurled it, some kind of mechanical bird popped out of the seal. Writing a quick message, he placed it inside and wound it up before flinging it into the air. I watched it flap away for a few moments as I tried to get a hold of myself.

Keeping his hand on my shoulder, Kakashi nodded slightly. “Konoha would like to offer Suna its assistance in this matter. Shikamaru and Lee can be your backup while I head to Suna with Naruto.”

Gaara seemed to consider this for a moment before nodding his assent. It was a small relief to know that he would have more than just his brother with him, but if he was going to have backup, I really wanted it to be me.

Lee saluted, his back straight. “It would be my honor to lend Gaara my assistance.” 

Shikamaru looked out over the sand and then back at Gaara. “I’ll give you whatever help you need.” His eyes flicked back over to me. “And don’t bother arguing, Naruto. You’re not going.”

I clenched my teeth. “It‘s not like I‘ve never been on a dangerous mission before. If everybody’s so damned worried, why did you have me come all the way out here in the first place?”

“Naruto, there’s a difference between going on a mission with known parameters and investigating an unknown threat in a foreign country,” Kakashi said, his tone frustratingly patient. 

“I’m going whether any of you like it or not,” I growled. I would have taken off already if I thought I could outrun Kakashi. 

Gaara held my gaze, his eyes narrowing. It was the weirdest thing. I was closer to him than any other person I’d ever known. We’d shared things so deep that the idea of being apart from him almost hurt. But this wasn‘t my lover, my close friend, or even my comrade. This was the leader of Suna standing in front of me wearing his authority clearly even though he was in his regular clothes and not his robes of office. The sand around us stirred uneasily as if it were reacting to his mood. And it might have been. But if he thought I was going to back down because it was dangerous, he was wrong. The tension built slowly and got tighter and tighter. 

“Naruto,” Kakashi said, his tone still patient, but also careful. “Our mission orders are to head to Suna for a test run through their training grounds.”

“But what about Lee and Shikamaru?” I glared at him. If I was trembling slightly, it was because I was angry and not because of his sharingan which was still visible. Or at least that’s what I told myself. 

“As team captain, it’s my job to gauge our priorities and adjust them as necessary,” he said simply.

I felt like I was twelve years old again listening to a lecture about the fundamentals of being a shinobi. I wasn’t a kid anymore. Wasn’t this what I’d been training for in the first place? The pendant under my jacket was steadily growing warmer as Gaara’s chakra rose but it didn’t feel like a gentle caress. It was more like a warning. Then there was a sudden flash of heat against my chest as Gaara’s head whipped around toward the village. He raised his hand and flexed his fingers. 

The column of sand in the distance suddenly expanded as if something exploded inside of it. The rest of us jumped at the distant booming sound that shook the ground beneath our feet. A few moments later, a huge shockwave roared across the sand towards us only to crash against a thick sand barrier that had risen up to block it. The wind ripped and pulled at our clothes, and all of us took shelter behind the wall that Gaara had made. When it was over, we all stood blinking the grit out of our eyes. Except for Gaara. He was staring out over the sand gazing intently in the direction of the village. 

As his sand slowly slithered to the ground, I blinked at the wooden wall that had been hidden inside the sand. Where did that come from?

Yamato Taichou appeared at my side and gave a slight bow to Kakashi before turning to Gaara. “Forgive me for being presumptuous Kazekage-sama.”

Gaara’s eyes flicked to the wooden beams that had been encased in his sand. “It’s alright. It can take time to harden minerals effectively,” he said as he watched the wood retreat at Yamato’s command. “This allowed for stronger shielding without the extra chakra drain.”

So he’d accept Yamato’s help without blinking but I was being sent away. Talk about being unfair. 

“The only way you‘ll get me to stay behind now is if you physically stop me.” I crossed my arms over my chest. If they were going to treat me like a child, I’d damn well be childish if I wanted to.

“It’s not something I’d want to do but I will if I have to,” Yamato said calmly. “Don’t rush into anything when you can avoid it, especially if you been given orders not to.”

“Even if the orders are stupid?” I asked him. “They’re all wasting time arguing with me when we could be on our way already.” And how did he even know what we’d been talking about?

Yamato didn’t answer me. Instead he looked at Kakashi and something seemed to pass between them. Kakashi nodded as if giving him permission for something.

“Sorry I’m late Sempai. I meant to meet you before crossing the border, but things became rather complicated.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he said, waving it away. “Please report.” 

“There is no activity that we‘ve been able to find. The Akatsuki seem to be occupied in other countries right now. Even Jiraiya has failed to come up with any fresh leads in this area. If he can‘t find them, there probably aren‘t any.” He looked toward the village. “And I don’t know what’s happening there exactly. Whoever they are, they’re very difficult to track over the sand.”

Kakashi nodded and turned back to Gaara. “Now that our team is complete and we have more information, we can give you our full support.” He gave me a significant glance.

Gaara seemed to be weighing his options and I’m pretty sure he didn’t like them. “Your assistance is appreciated. Please stay back and allow me to approach the village first. They are wary of anyone from Suna. Outsiders are tolerated even less.”

“Of course.” Kakashi came closer to me to murmur in my ear. “Don’t think that you’ve gotten your way just by being stubborn. I know you only want to help, but arguing and disobeying orders is not the way to do it.”

“And leaving friends behind when they could be heading into danger is better?” I watched Kakashi’s expression turn a little sad as he slid his headband back into place. The look on his face was not something I wanted to see, but he was the one who’d taught me that in the first place.

“It‘s not just a matter of leaving friends behind,” he said. “It’s using your resources wisely. Our team roster is now complete and that is to our advantage.”

My eyes narrowed and I my fingers clenched into fists where they were tucked under my crossed arms. He’d only agreed once Yamato Taichou had shown up which meant only one thing. 

“So this is about Kyuubi. Again.”

“If you’re coming with us, let‘s get going,” Kankuro growled. “It’s not getting any less dangerous the longer we wait.” He took off after Temari and Gaara who had already headed out with Shikamaru and Lee close behind. Without saying anything else, I ran after them. I was pretty sure this conversation wasn’t over, but now wasn’t really the time. I had enough things to worry about.

It didn’t take long to get to the village at full speed and when we arrived at the outskirts where we were asked to wait, I just stopped and stared. The village itself was tucked in a ravine with houses and shops carved into the rock walls. Pathways trailed up and down the rock face on both sides connecting the entrances. Or at least they had before everything had been torn apart. There were deep cracks along the walls and many of the pathways had crumbled. There was sand everywhere. The ravine itself was probably a lot deeper but there was so much sand at the bottom, you could barely see the tops of the larger structures poking out. It looked like the surrounding area was relatively untouched and all of the damage had been directed at where the people lived. 

Gaara had come to a stop further ahead and stood quietly with his eyes closed. His expression showed the first real emotion I’d seen since the column of sand appeared. He looked pained and sad. 

“So many,” he murmured quietly.

Six people ran up to face us, and we all went on guard. But Gaara held up a hand and looked unfazed by their appearance as he hid his emotions again. They didn’t look like ninjas and their chakra didn’t seem that high. But that didn’t mean they weren’t dangerous. The leader stepped forward and pointed his sword directly at Gaara.

“Are you here to finish what you started, Monster?”

Gaara remained passive, but I knew that comment must have hit pretty hard even if he didn’t show it. Kankuro actually seemed just as pissed as me when he stepped forward. But Gaara laid a hand on his arm to keep him in place. I noticed that he wasn’t using his sand at all.

“We are here to assist if we can,” Gaara said quietly.

Another one of the villages facing us spat at his feet. Her eyes were so hateful, they were hard to look at. “We don’t want your assistance. You’ve done enough here already.”  
Kankuro raised a brow before a brief expression of confused horror flickered across his face. “What the hell are you talking about? You don’t think. . .”

More villagers started to appear, most of them armed, and all of them angry. The six who were facing us raised their weapons as the leader took a step forward. 

“Leave,” he said again.

“There are many still trapped under the sand.” Gaara was wary but didn‘t look quite ready to back down yet. 

“And we’ll rescue them on our own,” the leader said, his voice low and dangerous. His expression was angry, but it gave me a jolt to see the fear beneath it. I could see a bead of sweat trickle slowly down his temple as he tried to keep it hidden. “I will only ask one more time. Leave now.”

Gaara closed his eyes for a moment and took a slow, deep breath. I felt my pendant glowing beneath my shirt as he used his chakra to do. . .something. There was the soft hiss of sand along with a lot of muffle screaming in the distance. The villagers in front of us started to panic and several knives flew out of the crowd straight for Gaara. He didn’t move a muscle, but his sand swirled around him to automatically block the attacks. Several of the villagers flinched and a few weapons began to waver because their owners’ grips became too tight. They’d come out here looking so fierce but underneath they were terrified.

When things settled again, Gaara was breathing a little quicker from the effort of whatever he’d done. Instead of muffled screaming, now there was a lot of yelling coming from the ravine. But with the way the sound was echoing, I couldn’t tell if was happy yelling or if everyone was freaking out. Two people came running up from what was left of the village. 

“Yori-sama!” one of them shouted. “All of them just. . .” He stopped suddenly when he saw us. He had no weapons on him and judging by his apron, he probably ran some kind of shop. 

The leader, Yori apparently, kept his eyes on us. “Report!” 

The man jumped at the command even as he continued to eye us nervously. “Everyone. . .surfaced.”

Yori glared at Gaara, as he gripped his sword tightly. “I said you’d done enough.”

“No, Yori-sama!” The shopkeeper probably wouldn’t have jumped in front of the blade, but he seemed desperate to keep him from attacking. “They’re okay. Or at least most of them are. They just rose up out of the sand. Even the ones who were trapped inside the buildings.”

So that’s what Gaara had done. A swell of pride built up in my chest and pushed through the anger. He’d done a really amazing thing. I was afraid we’d just end up leaving without being able to help anyone. And after all the arguing it took to get here, that would have made everything worse. But despite the good news, Yori still looked incredibly pissed and he hadn’t put his sword away. 

“There is no reason for you to linger,” he growled. “If I see any of you again, I will not hesitate to kill you.”

“What’s wrong with you people?” I asked, as I tried to keep my frustration in check. “Gaara’s just saved everyone, and I‘m pretty sure he‘ll help clear out the rest of the sand if you stop being a complete jackass.”

Some of the villagers looked at me like I’d lost my mind. I didn’t dare look at anyone on my team. I doubt my outburst would be taken well. 

“How can it be considered saving if he caused them to be in peril in the first place? We will not be fooled like those pathetic idiots in Suna. Feigned kindness after an attack meant to terrorize will not buy our loyalty.” Yori drew his anger around him like a shield. I could practically feel it pulsing off of him. How could anyone hate so much? He sneered at me. 

“Are you even aware of what he’s done? What he’s responsible for? The things he‘s never been held accountable for? You‘re not even from here, so how could you know?” 

“It doesn’t matter where we’re from. I know he would never do this.” That made absolutely no sense. Just because the attack involved sand didn’t automatically mean Gaara had done it. 

“The opinions of other villages mean nothing to us.”

“Konoha is allied with Suna,” I said as I tried to reign in my temper and show at least a shred of diplomacy even if the jerk didn’t deserve it. We had the same goals despite being from different countries. Why couldn’t he see that?

“Anyone allied with Suna is no ally of ours.” He sneered again. “You should be wary trusting someone like him. I’d sleep lightly if I were you.”

My hands had clenched into fists at my sides and I was a heartbeat away from beating that smirk off his face. Screw diplomacy. He didn’t know Gaara at all if he thought like that. But before I could do anything, Gaara bowed respectfully without breaking eye contact with the man who‘d just insulted him to his face. His expression showed no sign that he’d taken offense to any of it. 

“How can you be so calm about this, Gaara?” I had no idea what was going on and his siblings were no help at all. It was obvious they weren’t happy but they’d hadn’t even tried to defend their brother from this jerk.

“Please contact Suna if you need anything,” Gaara told the man.

A sneer was the leader‘s only reply. A couple of the guys with him seemed a little confused by Gaara’s offer, but they didn’t lower their weapons. The shopkeepers eyebrows disappeared right up into his hair. 

“Let’s go,” Gaara said quietly.

“But-” I started. After all the things that guy had said, he was just going to take it and back off? 

“We can do no more here,” Gaara said without looking at me. 

Of course we could. There was still a ton of sand everywhere, and who knows how many people were injured? For the first time in a long time, I wished Sakura were with me. She’d be able to really help them. But as I looked at the villagers who hadn’t moved since they arrived, I saw that they’d gotten some courage from what their leader had said. Right now it looked like they were ready to kill us if we didn‘t leave now. They’d also pulled their anger close to their hearts so they could stand up to us. Looking into their eyes, I suddenly knew that nothing I could say would convince them. It was something that Gaara already seemed to know. 

As much as I wanted to help, I had no idea how to overcome that kind of hate. It had been hard enough in my own village, and I still didn’t really know how I’d won any of my own people over. These were total strangers and I had no idea how to reach them without more arguing. It might have worked if Gaara wasn‘t so determined to avoid conflict. I didn‘t quite get that either. It‘s not like he picked fights or anything, but I‘d never seen him back down like that before. 

I couldn’t do anything but follow the rest of the team as we left the destroyed village behind us. Doubt gnawed at me. I come up against a lot of people over the years who were hateful or selfish and I’d managed to convince them that it didn’t have to be like that. But it seemed to get harder to do as the years went on no matter how hard I tried. A sudden pang in my chest pulsed as Sasuke barged his way into my thoughts. I hadn’t been able to convince him to change either. Whatever I’d been doing before, maybe it just didn’t work anymore.

. . . . . . .

It took another day and a half to get to Suna. None of us talked much. As much as I wanted to discuss what had happened, something told me I wouldn’t learn anything by bringing it up just yet. Gaara had gotten so quiet, he barely said anything. His siblings spoke to him quietly, but if he responded with more than a nod, it was too soft for me to hear. That first night after Kazuo village, I think he took the entire watch. I didn’t sleep at all and every time I looked his way, he was sitting by the fire with that strange, neutral look his face. Even Kankuro was easier to read under all the makeup he wore.

The team that had been summoned from Suna by the bird met up with us the next morning, only to be told they weren’t needed. They didn’t question Gaara’s orders as they were told to follow us back. They didn’t talk much either. I’m not sure if they picked up Gaara’s mood, or if that’s just the way their teams worked. I hated the silence. Too much time for thinking. But every time I wanted to say something, nothing came to mind. Seeing Kakashi’s sharingan was bothering me a lot more than I wanted it to. The quick jolt the day before had left me jittery and I had nothing to distract myself with. 

When we finally arrived in Suna, it was nearly nighttime. We were shown to our quarters in the guest wing and given time to bathe before sitting down to a meal that had been set out for us in one of the smaller dining rooms. Kankuro stepped in to tell us that Gaara wanted to apologize for his absence, but would not be joining us before leaving the room himself. All three of them had left immediately to go somewhere else, probably to a bunch of meetings to discuss what had happened. Even Temari was absent. I knew she helped out Gaara with his work, but mostly she did stuff with the Academy. They weren’t being bad hosts or anything, but it still sucked. 

After dinner, I’m pretty sure Lee went to his room to do a thousand sit-ups before bed. Kakashi and Yamato lingered over coffee at the dinner table discussing some random book Yamato had found while he was out on a mission. They weren’t purposefully excluding me or anything, but I didn’t really want to intrude either. Shikamaru was slumped over the low table with his head resting on his arms. If he wasn’t asleep already, he probably would be soon.

“I uh, guess I’ll turn in,” I said. Or something. 

Kakashi tilted his head in my direction. “There was nothing you could have said to Yori today that would have changed his mind.”

“I know that,” I said defensively as I frowned down at the table. Or at least that’s what I told myself. 

“Just remember that we are guests here. As Suna’s allies, we will help them to the best of our abilities. But we can’t force anyone to accept our assistance.”

“I know that too,” I told him while trying not to sound bitter. “That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

I needed to get out of here before I got really frustrated and said something stupid. 

“Goodnight, Naruto.”

I shrugged and headed for the door. “Night.”

Heading down the hall, I went to my room. It was different in this part of the building and it was much more formal than I was used to. I sat on the bed for a little while trying to figure out what to do. I really, really hated waiting. But there was nothing left to do until tomorrow, and I was still tired from the trip. Traveling in this heat took a little more out of me than usual and I hadn‘t slept at all last night. So I undressed and lay down hoping that it would immediately be next day when I opened my eyes again.

But when I closed my eyes, my vision was filled with blood red sharingan. Two of them. Why did they always keep me in place as easily as if I were tied down? What would they make me see? I couldn’t close my eyes to block them from my sight. It was like my body wouldn’t obey me. I couldn’t even scream. 

And then I was suddenly wide awake and throwing the blanket off. I didn’t so much roll out of bed as fall onto the floor in a big panicked heap. My heart was trying to pound its way right out of my chest. 

When I closed my eyes at night, my mind would occasionally betray me. It might give me a nightmare or show me a memory. Sometimes it was both. It had been a while since I’d had one like that and I’d almost forgotten how bad it could be. I just hoped I hadn’t made any noise this time. Trying to breathe as quietly as I could, I listed for any sounds outside the room. But I didn’t hear anything. According to the small clock on the nightstand, it had been almost three hours since I’d gone to bed and everyone was probably sleeping by now. 

I looked around and remembered this wasn’t my room. There was nothing familiar here and that wasn’t helping. I hadn’t brought any of my scrolls with me, so there was nothing to read to distract myself with. I didn’t want to train and there was no way in hell I was going to try to go back to sleep. At least not here. I didn’t want to be alone tonight, and Gaara was right here in the building. Would it be stupid to sneak into his room just to make myself feel better? It didn’t seem to matter because my feet were already taking me right to the door. I just barely snagged the robe that was hanging there before stepping out into the hall. It really was colder at night in the desert. 

I’d never been in this wing before, so I got a little turned around before I saw anything familiar. After wandering the halls of the tower for a little while, I finally ended up standing outside Gaara’s rooms. At least I was a little calmer now which was good. I didn’t want to be a complete wreck when I showed up. But even though I could feel Gaara’s chakra lingering in the air through the door, I didn‘t think he was in there. I found myself feeling strangely homesick and not necessarily for Konoha. Another tremor shook me and I knew I couldn’t go back to my room, so I turned the knob and let myself inside. 

I wondered if I was intruding somehow. Before coming here on this mission, I wouldn‘t have thought so. The last time I was here I’d had my own room right next door, but I’d practically lived with Gaara and I was comfortable in his space. But after how he’d shut me out today, I wasn’t entirely sure how he’d react to finding me here uninvited. The moment I stepped inside, the doubts started to fade. I was immediately more comfortable than I had been in the guest room. Maybe I could even sleep here even if Gaara hadn’t come to bed yet. I didn’t bother turning on the light as I moved toward the bedroom. I knew where everything was except for the room’s occupant, who was currently somewhere else. Sighing softly in the dark, I crawled into Gaara’s bed. The sheets smelled like him and I felt myself finally start to relax as I curled under the blankets.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's been reading and to those who have left such lovely comments. I may not reply but I read them all and I appreciate them greatly.
> 
> I have most of this plotted out in notes and in my head, but I ran out of chapters that were already written and just needed some light editing. I've become a ridiculously sporadic writer.

I wasn’t sure what woke me this time. It wasn’t a heart pounding escape into consciousness, but something in the room had changed. Raising my chakra, I was rewarded with a soft blue glow from across the room. I caught a glimpse of Gaara’s shadowed face before his fingers curled around the pendant to block out the light. There hadn’t been enough time to see his expression.

“How long have you been there?” I asked, my voice still rough from sleep. He didn’t answer and I started to get a little nervous. Was my presence keeping him from coming to bed? I reluctantly pulled back the blankets and started to get up so I could let him have the bed to himself.

“You don‘t have to leave,” he said.

I paused mid-motion to look across the room again. I really wished I could see Gaara’s face, but there was no moon tonight and he kept a tight grip on the pendant.

“Look, I’m sorry I barged in without asking. I’ll go sleep on the couch or something.”

“That is not necessary.”

I heard the quiet rustle of fabric like he was getting to his feet and I was pretty sure he was heading for the door.

“Dammit, Gaara. Where the hell are you going? This is your room.” I was tired and I had no patience right now. There was a pause and a moment of almost painful silence.

“Are you angry with me?” His words were so quiet, I almost didn’t hear them. But what I did hear clearly was the sad loneliness underneath. Any irritation I’d felt drained away immediately and I sagged where I sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Not really.” It was a stupid thing to say. I didn’t want leave any room for doubt. I was frustrated and confused, and yes, I was angry. But I wasn’t specifically angry with Gaara. The only problem was that I wasn’t sure he knew that or not. We’d almost ruined what he had once by not talking to each other. A little assumption went a long way and I had to be careful not to continue doing that. Talking about difficult stuff was pretty awful. Sometimes it was just awkward and I never knew what to say. Sighing, again, I flipped back the blankets and slid underneath so I could scoot over and make room for him.

“Come here.” 

There was another heavy pause and for a moment, I wasn’t sure he would. But Gaara seemed to make some sort of decision because when he got into bed, he immediately slid over to my side and pressed himself up against me. I pulled up the blankets and wrapped my arms around him. He was so tense. And cold. I could feel faint tremors shaking his whole body and the tip of his nose was chilly where he buried it in my neck. His toes were like ice. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“For what?” I shifted under the blankets to wrap us both in the robe I was wearing. Had he been outside all night in just a thin shirt and sleep pants?

“For the distance I have created between us.” He stared shivering and I wasn‘t sure if it was because he was upset of if his body had just now realized how cold it was.

“Today was rough,” I told him. And kind of weird. I still wasn’t sure about all that. It wasn’t like I’d been looking at a stranger exactly, but it was a side of him I don’t think I’d ever really seen before. But maybe that’s because I’d only been present for emotional times in his life. I’d never really been around on a normal day when he interacted with other people.

“It’s not often that people are still that openly hostile toward me.” He swallowed hard. “At least not in my presence.” 

I’d heard some things the last time I’d been here. There were some people that still distrusted Gaara. I understood what it felt like to deal with that. There were a bunch of people in my village that still didn’t trust me either. But some of the people here held onto their fear and hate so much that they’d abandoned the village entirely. And there were others within the country that were trying to make it difficult for Suna. Gaara had overcome so much but there were still problems he needed to deal with.

“It’s easy. To fall into old habits,” he said before taking a breath and letting it out in a deep sigh. “The distance. It’s to. . .protect myself.” The words were hesitant as if he didn’t quiet know how to explain. Or they might have been painful to say. I wasn’t quite sure which it was, but I think I knew what he was talking about. That kind of scorn hurt. Sometimes the best defense was to make it look like it didn’t make a difference. Gaara’s fingers curled as he gripped the fabric of my shirt before he forced them to relax again.

“Sometimes it’s to protect others. I no longer lash out blindly when I’m threatened. But before. . .when I still had to control Shukaku. . .” There was obvious pain in his words now. “It was possible that I would harm others. Sometimes it was a certainty.” He went still beside me as if waiting for my reaction. 

I understood this too even if I’d handled it differently when I was young. There were times when I was so tired of the fear. I’d almost wanted to give the villagers something they’d really be afraid of. At least then I’d know there was a reason they hated me. But it had been a momentary impulse, not a driving need. 

We’d never really talked about his past much and I knew there were things about him I didn’t know. But I didn’t need to because I knew his pain. The details didn’t matter. Sometimes it felt like I was trying to learn about who he was now, but if I really thought about it, Gaara was probably learning about himself too. There were so many new things for him, so many new experiences and emotions that he didn’t have much practice with. 

Guilt plucked at me as I though of how I’d reacted earlier on the way here. I’d wanted to make this work and but I wasn’t doing a very good job. I’d have to be patient, which I was bad at. And I‘d have to find a way to be more calm, which I was also bad at. 

But this right here. I could do this. Settling further into the bed, I brushed my lips over Gaara’s forehead. Actions were sometimes easier than words. With another long sigh, Gaara finally started to relax. It was just a little bit, but it was better than nothing. We lay there quietly for a little while until I started to feel Gaara’s muscles tightening up again. 

“They believe I’m the one who attacked them.” His voice was a small whisper in the dark. Like he was afraid the words would be true if he said them out loud.

“It wasn’t you,” I told him firmly. “You saved everyone that you could even if they wouldn’t let you help.” And I admired him for that. Sometimes I envied the way he kept his composure while he did what had to be done.

“I am aware I was not the cause.” Part of him didn’t sound too sure. “But seeing is sometimes believing,” he said, his tone suddenly heavy. “There are those who need little provocation to jump to the wrong conclusions.” 

“They’re idiots,” I muttered. “And speaking of idiots, did any of your council geezers actually have anything helpful to say when you told them what happened?” I felt his lips twitch briefly against my neck. Just a flicker of movement. It wasn’t a smile but I’d take what I could get at this point. 

“Kazuo village will be watched. Another team was sent to observe at a distance. It is all that can be done at this point,” Gaara said through a yawn. He wasn’t much closer to relaxing, but he seemed to be losing the fight against sleep.

“Are those people going to let anyone help them at all? What about the Feudal Lord?” Kazuo village was just a normal town and it didn’t look like they had any real ninjas. Everyone who’d stood against us looked formidable, just not on the same level as us. But they were still part of the Land of Wind, so somebody should do something.

“The Wind Lord has little interest in the politics of small towns so long as it doesn’t affect him personally,” Gaara murmured, sounding half asleep. “Kazuo is a border town but it’s not near any major trade routes. They keep mostly to themselves.”

It occurred to me that he was giving me a lot of information and I wasn’t sure he realized he was doing it. I almost started to feel a little guilty. If he was going to answer serious questions when he was sleepy that he might not normally answer when he was awake, I didn’t want to take advantage of that.

“Um. Should you be telling me any of this?”

Gaara lifted his head to look at me though heavily lidded eyes. I could just barely make out his face in the low light from my own pendant. His chakra tended to rise slightly as he fell asleep. 

“Will you be planning military strategies based on this information?” It was hard to tell if he was serious or not.

“No,” I said, trying not to sound too grumpy about it. “I just haven’t figured out what I’m allowed to know yet. The whole political thing is weird and complicated. It‘s so much easier when it‘s just you and me and we can forget the rest of that crap.”

“‘The rest of that crap’ is the job you’re aiming for, remember?” 

“Don’t change the subject.”

Gaara watched me for a moment more before laying back down again and tucking his head under my chin. “The Wind Lord rarely hides his opinions even when they‘re unflattering. It’s fairly common knowledge. As for the village, I‘m sure you‘d find that information readily available in Konoha’s reports.”

I supposed that was true. And I bet Suna had all kinds of info on Fire villages too, especially the ones near the borders. Gaara yawned again before going quiet. I think he was done talking for the night. He’d calmed down a lot since I woke up which was a good thing. As much as the village’s reaction upset him, I think he’d been more worried about him and me than anything else. I closed my eyes and tried to follow him into sleep.

. . . . . . .

When I woke again, light was filtering in through the balcony doors. I’d rolled onto my back sometime during the night and Gaara was a heavy weight against my side with his body half draped over mine. I didn’t mind. It wasn’t often that I got to see him sleep and I lay there enjoying the feel of him against me. There were probably tons of meetings and stuff for him to do today too, so I was going to make sure he slept as long as he could. But Gaara seemed to have other plans as he blinked up at me. He almost seemed a little surprised and something flickered in his eyes for a moment before his expression softened.

“Good morning, Naruto,” he said quietly. He said it every morning after spending the night together, almost as if it were convincing himself that I was really there.

“I didn’t wake you did I?” 

“No. I have been awake for some time now.” But he hadn’t gotten up. I rolled onto my side and wrapped myself around him. Now that we were both awake, I knew we’d need to get ready for the day. But in a moment. The world could wait for just a moment. When we finally pulled ourselves apart, I stood up and stretched. I’d have to go back to my own room to get changed for breakfast. This wasn’t like the last time when I was in Suna by myself. Kakashi was probably looking for me already.

I hadn’t turned on any of the lights when I came in the night before and I looked around the room for the first time in months. Not much had changed. There were a few different scrolls and books on the shelves. The worktable on the other side of the room had a couple pieces of rough stone sitting on it that looked new. But other than that, it was still the same. I felt strangely at home here in a way I didn’t when I was in my own apartment. 

My eyes drifted to the door, expecting someone to knock at any moment. I hoped that nobody was going to come looking for us until we were ready to see them. But when nobody appeared, I relaxed again. There was a soft amber glow in the corner by the door as something caught the sliver of morning light coming in between the curtains. There was a small pedestal sitting beside one of the bookshelves. I don’t think it was visible from the doorway but there was a clear view from the bed. Moving closer, I couldn’t help the grin that spread across my face.

I’d seen pictures and little figurines of the nine-tails before and all of them looked scary. None of them had been anything like the statue on the pedestal that was carved from some sort of amber colored stone. The fox was on all fours crouched down over his front paws with his hind quarters in the air and all his tails waving. He looked like a puppy that wanted to play. There was something about it that made me really happy for some reason. I turned to find Gaara watching me. I’d seen him carve stuff before but this was amazing. There was so much detail it looked like the fur would be soft to the touch. 

“Did you make this?”

His eyes flicked to the statue and back and he paused before answering. “Yes,” he said finally. 

“Most of the Kyuubi stuff I see is really creepy, but I really like this.” 

Gaara’s lips twitched in a small smile as he came over to stand beside me. “This is actually the third one that I made. I was unhappy with the first two. They portrayed too much anger.”

“I wonder why this one came out so different.” 

Gaara paused and looked at the statue for a moment. “When I made it, I was thinking of you,” he murmured before grabbing the clean clothes he’d set on the bed and suddenly heading into the bathroom. I watched him go and wasn’t quite sure what to say. I stood staring at the statue for several minutes before following him. 

“Hey, Gaara. . .” I stopped in the doorway. Gaara was standing fully dressed in his Kage robes in front of the mirror staring at his reflection. To anyone else, he probably looked pretty calm. But I could see him struggling with himself. Moving up behind him, I tried to catch his gaze in the mirror, but he wouldn’t quite meet my eyes. “What’s wrong.”

“I am. . .unsettled.”

“I’m sorry that I got so frustrated the other day.”

“It’s not that.” He shook his head. “It’s easy between the two of us when we’re alone together yet difficult to balance that with the world outside. It’s troubling for me. I’ve learned how to be a leader, and I’ve learned what it’s like to love.”

I moved forward and wrapped my arms around his waist. He leaned back into the embrace without hesitation and finally met my gaze in the mirror.

“And I know what it is to be loved.” Sighing quietly, he closed his eyes. “But it’s difficult to reconcile all that I feel with all that I know.” 

“I think I get what you’re saying.” Or at least I thought I did. The last part was a little confusing, but everything else was pretty much a mirror of my own thoughts. It had seemed so much easier for the two of us the last time I was here. I didn’t remember all the outside stuff being so difficult before. When I said so, Gaara turned in my arms and looked at me.

“When last you were in Suna, it was relatively quiet.”

I laughed which made him frown. Kissing the spot between his brows, I smiled. “Sorry. I’m just not used to be being described as quiet.” My expression grew a little more serious. “But there was a lot of stuff happening then.”

Gaara brought his hands up to toy with the edge of my robe which was hanging half open. I couldn’t remember if I’d ever seen him fidget so much. That was usually something I did.

“While there were many personal things we dealt with before, there were no exams with crucial outcomes and no apparent political unrest. At least nothing so obvious as what happened the other day.” 

I knew he was leaving something out, but I didn‘t want to remind him. He was probable already thinking about it. When I was here before, a patrol had been sent out to check one of the borders. They’d come across two rogue ninja which they hadn’t really been prepared for. The team managed to neutralize them, but at a cost. One of the Genin died. 

The two rogues had once been part of Suna before leaving when Gaara had become Kazekage. At the time, I hadn’t known that. I’d heard most of the story later, but I’d held Gaara in my arms when he’d cried that day. He’d volunteered to tell the kid’s mother what had happened. He’d felt responsible and blamed himself for being the cause and not being able to protect everyone. It was one of my most proud and most heartbreaking moments.

“We’ll figure it out,” I told him. Gaara nodded in reply and I tightened my arms around him. He pressed into the embrace and we stood there for a little while. I had no idea how to figure any of this out, but I wasn’t going to stop trying. 

“Will I see you at all today?” I asked him. It occurred to me that I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing while I was here. I knew my team was going to test the exam grounds but the details were a mystery. 

“There will be meeting later this morning about the test run which has been pushed back until the day after tomorrow. But I may not see you again until late this evening.” His eyes were somber when he pulled back. “I fear I have been a poor host so far,” he said as he led the way back into his bedroom.

“Nah. It’s cool.” I glanced around. “I probably won’t be spending many nights in my room though. Yours is way better.” My hand paused on the door knob as something else occurred to me. I turned back to him and grinned sheepishly. “But um. . .could you show me where my roonm is? I don’t think I can find it from here.” That earned me a small twitch of his lips. This felt normal and something seemed to settle between us. For now, everything was okay.

. . . . . . .

Kakashi, Yamato, and Shikamaru were all at the table when I came in for breakfast. They looked up as I entered the room and Yamato poured a cup of tea for me as I sat down with them. 

“Good morning, Naruto,” he said. 

“Morning. Where’s Lee?”

Shikamaru blew out a breath. “Doing ten laps around the village before breakfast,” he said, looking tired just talking about it.

“It was twenty, actually,” Lee said from the doorway behind me. “I was unable to finish one thousand sit-ups in the time I’d set for myself.”

My chopsticks paused on the way to my mouth. “Seriously?” 

Lee grinned. “Of course! I want to be in peak condition for the test. How could I settle for anything less?”

I shook my head. I’d never been able to keep up with his crazy training regimen, but if he wanted to flirt with heat stroke, that was his business. Or maybe it would be hypothermia if he did it at night. I chewed my rice thoughtfully for a moment as he came to sit down at the table with us. 

“Now that we’re all here,” Kakashi said as he set his book aside. “The original schedule has been adjusted due to the events that happened on the way here.” 

“You mean when we retreated and left a bunch of people in need behind,“ I muttered. Kakashi didn’t show any sign that he’d heard me. I scowled into my teacup and tried to make it look like I wasn’t pouting. The whole thing still bothered me no matter how calm I’d been last night in Gaara’s room.

“The test has been moved to three days from now.”

“Wait,” I said. “I thought it was rescheduled to the day after tomorrow.” At least that’s what Gaara had said earlier. Shikamaru looked at me for a moment and I looked right back, daring him to say anything about how I knew that. But he just shrugged and sat back. 

“There was a last minute meeting early this morning,” Shikamaru said. 

A frown pulled at my face. If they’d had a meeting this morning, they’d done it without Gaara. What the hell did they think they were doing? I thought they were going to try and work with him from now on. His siblings had to know at least because they seemed to know everything. I had no idea how Gaara would feel about it. 

“That stuff from the other day isn’t going to mess up the test or the exams, is it?” I asked, suddenly worried that the attack on the village would keep the exams from being held here.

“At present, everything is still scheduled,” Yamato said without a hint of worry. But I was worried. I really wanted this to go well. 

“Now what?” I asked him. “What are we going to do for three days?” 

“At present, we are guests and have freedom to tour the village as we wish,” Kakashi said. Suna and Konoha’s alliance was strong enough that we didn’t officially need escorts, but we’d probably be watched anyway. I couldn’t let it bother me. We’d do the same thing to them if they visited us.

“Okay, but what are we supposed to do?” I asked, trying not to sound to petulant. I wouldn’t be able to spend time with Gaara during the day, but there wasn’t much else to do that I could think of. I couldn’t really train seriously. As much as we were allies with Suna, that was probably crossing a line of some sort. And I didn’t want to put them at risk in case something went wrong. Being monitored during training really bothered me, but I wasn’t going to be stupid about it.

“For the time being, we do nothing,” Kakashi said patiently. “At least not this morning. There is another meeting scheduled this afternoon and we will be briefed about the test. Until then, I suggest you find something to occupy yourself with.”

“Let train to be our very best!” Lee said as he clapped me on the back. 

“In this heat? I don’t think so,” Shikamaru said as he lay back on the floor. “I’m going to be busy acclimating myself to the heat. You guys go ahead.” He waved us off. When he said acclimating, he probably meant napping.

“Naruto, what do you say?” 

I looked at Lee and then down at my cup. “Uh, not this morning,” I told him as I stood up and headed toward the door. I really didn’t feel like joining him for some reason. “Maybe later.” 

After all the fuss about sending me ahead to the village and out of harm‘s way, I was basically being dismissed again. I was sure Kakashi and Yamato were going to talk about things this morning, but I obviously wasn’t going to be included. I thought about going back to Gaara’s room and maybe reading a book, but I decided to go outside instead. If I knew where the test would be held, I might have gone to check out the area, but I wasn’t sure where it would be. I’d have to settle for walking around the village instead.

. . . . . . .

Being alone in a different village was different than being alone at home. At home I might have visited friends, but most of the people I was closest to were the farthest away right now. So I wandered the streets kind of aimlessly. It was really hard not to spend all my time brooding about how unfair everything was and worrying about Gaara. But like so many other things, I needed to shake it off and focus on what was happening now instead of the things I couldn’t control. I didn’t really have a specific destination in mind as I kept walking. 

Overall, Not much had changed in Suna since my last visit but I could see signs of construction as their population expanded. It was easy to forget that villages were about more than just the ninjas that trained to go on missions. There were builders and cooks and tailors and farmers all sorts of people that helped the village do what it needed to do. Several familiar faces smiled and nodded at me as they passed. Forcing myself to relax, I smiled back and continued on my way. It was nice to see everyone working together and it made me wish I’d spent more time observing my own village. 

It struck me suddenly that maybe it wasn’t so different here after all. I stopped in the middle of the street and looked around more carefully. There were a lot similarities that I could see between Suna and Konoha. There may be sand instead of grass and trees, but the people came together the same way. I needed to pay more attention if I was really serious about becoming Hokage. Maybe I should have stayed and talked with Kakashi Sensei. I had some questions that I wanted to ask him. 

As I turned to head back, a sudden breeze blew through the street and I raised my arm to protect my eyes from the dust. It wasn’t uncommon for little mini tornados to build in the streets sometimes. They’d blow up suddenly and be gone just as quick. I’d seen them when I’d been here before, but it was a calm day today, so this was a little weird. When it finally died down enough to see where I was going, I headed back toward the tower. I was so lost in thought trying to come up with reasonable questions that I bumped into someone hard enough knock them over. They fell back with yelp of surprise and dropped the bag they were carrying. 

“Oh, man. I’m sorry,” I said as I leaned down and held out my hand to help him to his feet. I was a guest here and the last thing I needed to do was run over the locals. His shoulder length blonde hair was a little ruffled, probably by the strong wind, but his bluish, violet eyes looked more sheepish than angry.

“It’s alright,” he said with a soft voice, as he allowed me to help him up. He brushed his tunic and pants off before straightening his apron and picking up his satchel. “The fault was mine. I fear I was daydreaming.”

I scratched the back of my head and chuckled. “Yeah, I know what that’s like. Are you okay? I wasn’t really watching where I was going myself.”

“Yes, of course.” He seemed to notice me for the first time and I saw him blink in surprise. “You are from the Leaf, yes?” 

“Yeah. I’m Uzumaki Naruto.” I held out my hand and he took it somewhat reluctantly. 

“Not only from Konoha, but the Jinchuriki no less,” he said as he shook my hand carefully. 

“Um, yeah.” I started to feel a little awkward but tried no to let it show. Shrugging, I forced myself to stay relaxed. “I didn’t mean to bother you or anything. I should let you get back to what you were doing.” 

“My apologies,” he said, bowing slightly but not before I saw him wince. “I did not mean to give offense.”

And there was the fear that I hated to see. I’d almost forgotten how much that hurt. “Don’t worry about it. Really. It’s no big deal or anything.”

He opened his mouth to reply but closed it again like he was thinking about what he was going to say. When he spoke again he smiled, and his voice was much more friendly.

“Perhaps we can attempt our meeting again.” He held out his hand.

“Okay.” I smiled back suddenly feeling relieved. “I’m Naruto.” When we shook hands again, I suddenly felt something at the edge of my awareness like a gentle buzz in my head. I had to blink as my vision got a little fuzzy.

“Are you alright?” he asked me. I felt his arm around my waist supporting my weight as I started to sag. 

“Yeah. Just. . .kind of dizzy.” What the hell was happening?

“Perhaps you are not quite used to the heat of the sand.” He leaned in and spoke quietly into my ear. “It will burn you if you‘re not careful.” His voice sounded weirdly reasonable and ominous at the same time. 

I didn’t like it when the weather was super hot, but today was a pretty nice day for Suna and I wasn’t sure why I suddenly felt so warm. What was up with the weather today? It was like I was burning up from the inside. But then it was gone just as suddenly as it had appeared. I was left blinking up at a clear blue sky from where I lay on the ground. 

“Let’s get you inside,” someone new said.

I didn’t recognize the voice and I turned my head to see one of the shopkeepers from across the street looking down at me. Somehow, I’d ended up in a heap in the middle of the road and a small crowd had started to gather. There was no sign of the man I’d bumped into.

“Okay,” I mumbled as I several hands helped me stand. They guided me into the interior of the shop which was cooler than outside. Once I was sitting down, someone game me a bottle of water while a cool cloth was placed on the back of my neck. I was already starting to feel better as I took several sips.

“It seems we’re rather poor hosts to let you get that dehydrated,” the shopkeeper said. 

“No, it’s okay,” I told him. “I wasn’t paying attention, I guess.” But I wasn’t convinced that was true. I’d had a decent breakfast this morning and there was a water bottle at my belt to make sure I didn’t dry out in the heat. I had no idea why I suddenly collapsed. And where had my new friend gone? I lifted my head but didn’t see him in the shop or out on the street. He hadn’t told me his name.

“Thanks.” I handed the shopkeeper the empty bottle and stood up. 

“Not at all. I’m just glad I was able to help.”

“Hey, did you see the guy I was talking to?” 

He gave me a strange look like he didn‘t know what I was talking about. “The wind picked up and you stumbled in the street before collapsing a moment later. I saw no one else.”

“That’s so weird,” I muttered. 

“Naruto, are you alright?” Kankuro stood framed in the doorway. He seemed nervous for some reason.

“Uh, yeah. I’m fine.” Passing out from the heat wasn’t going to help convince anyone that I could handle myself. I turned to the shopkeeper and thanked him again before heading outside. I eyed Kankuro who was watching me carefully as he walked beside me down the street.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him. 

Shouldn’t he be in a meeting somewhere? He gave me a weird look like he was thinking about something before he shrugged it off and looked away. 

“I was in the area running an errand.” When he met my eyes again, his expression was little easier to read. He was worried. “Are you sure you’re okay? Maybe you should rest until this afternoon.”

“I’m fine. Honest. I have no idea what happened. One minute I’m just talking to this guy I bumped into and the next, it feels like I’ve been wandering around in the desert for three days.” Which wasn‘t technically true. The last time I’d passed out in the desert, I’d been weak and sunburned and barely conscious. Right now I just felt a little tired and a lot confused. 

Kankuro hummed in response, not agreeing or disagreeing with what I was saying. I followed him back to the tower in the center of the village and tried not to obsess about what had just happened. I couldn’t let anybody see me as weak, especially Gaara‘s brother. He’d probably tell Gaara, who already had enough to worry about, and I didn’t anyone thinking I wasn’t fit to take the test.


End file.
